Drinking to Ireland

A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink.
The second man says yes.
They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap.
He asks, “So where you from?”
The second man replies, “Ireland.”
The first man says, “WOW! Me too. Let’s drink to Ireland.”
They drink and the second man says, “So what part of Ireland ya from?”
The first man says, “Dublin. So…what school did you go to?”
The second man says, “St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969.”
The first man astonished says, “ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence.”
Just then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what’s going on.
The bartender replies, “Nothin’ much. The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

Categories Bar

The Rooms

A man dies and goes to hell. When he arrives Satan gives him a choice of what eternal punishment he’ll be given.
They go to a wall with 3 doors. Satan opens the first door and there are people standing on their heads on blocks of ice.
The man says, “No way, I cant do this punishment.” So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the second door and there are people standing on their heads on a brick floor.
The man says, “No way, that would give me headaches forever.” So they move on to the next room.
Satan opens the door and inside there are people sitting in cow manure drinking tea and eating cookies.
The man figures it can’t be that bad so he chooses to spend eternity in that room.
Just before Satan closes the door he yells back, “Alrite break time is over! Back on your heads!”

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer’s barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Lordy, were they ALL dead?”

The old farmer said, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them crooked politicians lie.”

Indecent Exposure

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”

“Why, officer?” asks the blonde.

“Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.”

“Oh my goodness,” exclaims the blonde, “I left my baby on the bus!”

Three Wishes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island.
One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie.

The genie says, “Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one.”

The brunette says, “I’ve been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home.”

POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

Then, the red head says, “I’ve been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too.”

POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family.

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably.

The genie asks, “My dear, what’s the matter?”

The blonde whimpers, “I wish my friends were still here.”

Dead Mama

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.”

The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” replies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

Cars

What if people bought cars like they buy
Computers?

The car companies don’t have help lines
for people who don’t know how to drive,
because people don’t buy cars like they
buy computers, imagine if they did…..

Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help
you?

Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and
nothing happened!

Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot
and turn it?

Customer: What’s an ignition?

Helpline: It’s a starter motor that draws current
from your battery and turns over the engine.

Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How
come I have to know all these technical terms to
use my car.

Helpline: Toyota Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it
won’t go anywhere!

Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?

Customer: Huh? How do I know?

Helpline: There’s a little gauge on the front
panel with a needle and markings of ‘E’ and ‘F’.
Where is the needle pointing?

Customer: It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that
mean?

Helpline: It means you have to visit a gasoline
vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can
install it yourself or pay the vendor to install
it for you.

Customer: What? I paid $18,000 for this car!
And you’re telling me I need to keep buying more
components? This is outrageous! I want a car that
comes with everything built in!

Helpline: Ford Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Your cars suck!

Helpline: What’s wrong?

Customer: It crashed, that’s what’s wrong!

Helpline: What were you doing?

Customer: Well I wanted to go faster, so I pushed
the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor, it
worked for a while and then it when off the road
at a corner and crashed and it won’t start now!

Helpline: It’s your responsibility if you misuse
the product. What do you expect us to do about it?

Customer: I expect you to send me one of the
latest versions that doesn’t crash!

Helpline: BMW Helpline, how can I help you?

Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I
chose your car because it has automatic
transmission, cruise control, power steering,
power brakes, power door locks, power seats,
power..

Helpline: Well,.. thanks for buying one of our
top of line cars. So how can I help you?

Customer: Well, how do I work it?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Do I know how to what?

Helpline: Do you know how to drive?

Customer: Look, I’m not a mechanic. I’m not even
very technical. I just want to go places in my
new car!

Doggie

A guy goes to the movies one day, and in the front row there’s an old man. With him was his dog. It was a sad, funny kind of film. You know the type. In the sad part the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part the dog laughed his head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended the guy decides to go and speak to the man.

“That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen,” he said. “Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film.”

The man turned. “Yeah, it really is amazing, because he hated the book.”

Cheating On Your Husband

A husband & wife are talking.
Husband: “How many times have you cheated on me?”
Wife: “Only twice.”
Husband: “Tell me about them.”
Wife: “Remember when you were very sick, and we didn’t have money to pay for the doctor? Well, I slept with him.”
Husband: “That’s not so bad; and the other?”
Wife: “Remember when you were running in the elections, and you needed 450 votes?”