Sarah’s grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, “God, how could you? Have I not been a wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B’nai Brith and Haddasah? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?”
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, “I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?”
Sarah responded, “Well … He WAS wearing a hat.”
Mrs. O’Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O’Rafferty.
“Hello,” said the Father, “And how is Mr. O’Donovan? Didn’t I marry you two years ago?”
She replied, “You did that, Father.”
“And are there any little ones yet?”
“No, not yet, Father,” she said
“Well now, I’m going to Rome next week, and I’ll light a candle for you.”
“Oh, thank you, Father,” and away she went.
Several years later they met again.
“Well now, Mrs. O’Donovan,” said the Father, “how are you?”
“Oh, very well,” said she.
“And tell me,” he said, “have you any little ones yet?”
“Oh yes, Father. I’ve had three sets of twins, and four singles — ten in all.”
“Now isn’t that wonderful?” he said, “and how is your wonderful husband?”
“Oh,” she said, “he’s gone to Rome to blow out your damned candle!”
A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence, a young woman turned to a minister sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked,
“Reverend, you’re a man of God, can’t you do something about this storm?”
To which he replied, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”
President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell.
The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error.
The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat.
“Sorry about the mix up” says the Pope.
“No problem,” replies Clinton.
“Well, I’m really excited about going to heaven.”
Clinton asks, “Why’s that?”
“Well, I’ve always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.”
President Clinton replies, “Sorry, but you’re a day late”.
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
“Nothing much, Pastor,” replied one boy. “We were just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life.”
“Boys, boys, boys!” he scolded. “I’m shocked. When I was your age, I never even thought about sex.”
In unison they all replied, “You win!”
BLONDE woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.
Henry goes to confession and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women.”
The priest says, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” replies the priest. “But it’ll wipe that silly grin off your face.”
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her.
“Sister, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and what I don’t need I give to the church.”
“That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”
“Oh, $2,000 a week.”
“Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?”
“Well, he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas.”
A writer died and was given the option of going to heaven or hell. She decided to check out each place first. As the writer descended into the fiery pits, she saw row upon row of writers chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes.
“Oh my,” said the writer. “Let me see heaven now.”
A few moments later, as she ascended into heaven, she saw rows of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes.
“Wait a minute!” said the writer, “this is just as bad as hell.”
“Oh no, it’s not,” replied an unseen voice. “Here, your work gets published.”
When Abraham Liebowitz got to school, he discovered that he was the only Jewish kid in the class, but it’s a decent town and nobody really bothered him.
One day, the teacher asked the class, “Who was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?” To make it interesting, she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said, “Whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars.”
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said, “George Washington, because he was the father of our country.”
“That’s excellent,” said the teacher.
Another said, “Abraham Lincoln, because he freed the slaves.”
“That’s also good,” said the teacher, reluctant to bestow the reply of ‘excellent,’ but still being polite.
One little girl said, “Joan of Arc, because she saved France.”
“Another excellent choice,” said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz raised his hand, so the teacher called on him. “Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?”
Abraham said, “Jesus Christ.”
The teacher was shocked. “Abraham,” she said “I’m very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars,” and she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed, so she asked Abraham why he said Jesus:
Abraham said, “Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but business is business!”
Delivering his speech at the opening banquet of a national convention, the visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.
Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested that the reporters omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following:
“The minister told a number of stories that cannot be printed here.”
One day, John dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he meets the demon.
Demon: “Why so sad, my friend?”
John: “What do you think? I’m in hell!”
Demon: “Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin’ man?”
John: “Sure, I love to drink.”
Demon: “Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer…We drink till we throw up and then drink some more.”
John: “Gee, that sounds great!”
Demon: “You a smoker?”
John: “You better believe it.”
Demon: “Allright! You’re gonna love Tuesday. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, it’s ok, you’re already dead!”
Demon: “I bet you like to gamble.”
John: “Yes, as a matter of fact, I do.”
Demon: “Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it.”
Demon: “You like to use drugs?”
John: “Well, I love to use drugs. You don’t mean…”
Demon: “That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can use all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it’s ok… You’re already dead!”
John: “Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin’ place!”
Demon: “You gay?”
John: “Uhhhhh, no!!”
Demon: “Ohhhh…. you’re gonna hate Fridays….”
A man joined the priesthood. The order he joined could not speak for seven years; and then they could only say two words.
The first seven years passed and they went into a small room. His two words were “too cold”.
The next seven years passed and they took him back into the small room and his two words were “bad food”.
The next seven years passed they took him back into the small room and his two words were “I quit”.
“Good,” they said, “all you have done is complain.”
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, the two priests went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead” gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight toward them. They couldn’t help but stare but when she passed them she turned to them, smiled and said, “Good morning, Father; good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. They were both stunned – how in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day, the two priests went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits – these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them, and again they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father; good morning, Father,” and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know; how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Kathryn!”
St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, “Well, Forest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been giving an entrance quiz for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven.”
Forest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St Peter. I was looking forward to this. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, “I know, Forest, but the test has only three questions:
1)What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2)How many seconds are there in a year?
3)What is God’s first name?”
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”
Forest says, “Well, the first one, how many days of the week begin with the letter ‘T?’ Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”
The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forest! That’s not what I was thinking, but… you do have a point though and guess I didn’t specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one: “How many seconds in a year?””
“Now that one’s harder” says Forest, “but I thought and thought about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”
Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”
Forest says, “Aw, come on, St. Peter, there’s gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second…”
“Hold it!” interrupts St. Peter, “I see where you’re going with it. I guess I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but I’ll give you credit for that one too.”
“Let’s go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”
Forest replies, “Andy.”
St. Peter then asks how in the world he came up with the name Andy.
Forest replies, “You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in Sunday School: “Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own….”
A local church built a new sanctuary. They moved their very fine old pipe organ from to the new sanctuary. It was an intricate task that was completed successfully.
The local news heralded, . . .
“St. Paul Completes Organ Transplant.”
Q: What is black and white and green and black and white?
A: Two nuns fighting over a sweaty pickle.
Q: What is black and white and grinds up and down, up and down?
A: A nun churning butter.
Q: What is black and white and gooey and creamy?
A: A nun eating a bowl of Tapioca pudding.
Q: What is black and white and makes a wet, sucking sound?
A: A toothless, elderly nun eating a Communion wafer.
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.” The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”
But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”
St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!!!”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three-year-old boy began in all seriousness: “Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name?”
And another four-year-old prayed: “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”
On Halloween, a taxi-driver saw a nun standing at the side of the road. He pulled over, and asked if he could help her. The nun said she needed to get to the mission. The taxi-driver said “I’ll give you a ride for free tonight, because you don’t know what kind of crazy people are running around.” The nun agreed, thanked him, and they drove off. When they were about half-way there, the taxi-driver said to the nun “You know sister, I’ve always had this fanasy about being kissed by a nun.” The nun said “Well, you’ve been so kind to me, I could do that, but only on three conditions. You have to be Catholic, single, and it can’t be in public.” The taxi-driver thought about this for a minute, then asked if an alley would work. The nun said that would be fine, so he pulled into the nearest alley. The nun crawled into the front seat and gave him a long, passionate kiss. After this, the taxi-driver smiled and drove on. A few minutes later, his smile turned to a frown, and he said ” I have a confession sister. I’m really Jewish and I’m married.” The nun looked at him and said “That’s okay. I’m Kevin, and I’m on my way to a costume party.”