It was Visitors Day…

It was visitor’s day at the lunatic asylum. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing “Ave Maria,” and singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance and then approached the choir. “I am a retired choir director,” he said. “This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard.”

“Yes, I’m very proud of them,” said the conductor.

“You should take them on tour,” said the visitor. “What are they called?”

“Surely that’s obvious,” replied the conductor. “They are the ‘Moron Tapanapple Choir’.”

Math Problems

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form. A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.” The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow.”

Camera

Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took many pictures of the Dwarves and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch, she took the film to be developed. After a week or so, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Snow White was so disappointed that she started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, “Don’t worry, someday your prints will come.”

What are You Doing?

A man was seen walking through downtown with a desk strapped to his back, a typewriter under one arm, and a wastebasket under the other. He was stopped by a policeman, asked what he was doing, and arrested when he replied, . . . “Impersonating an office, sir!”

Two Tall Trees…

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The birch says it cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!”

Once There was a Mad Scientist…

Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone’s language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.

A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled “You are under arrest!”

“What for?” the mad scientist asked.

And the policeman answered:

For making an obscene clone fall.

Peek-A-Boo

The female skier Picabo Street (pronounced Peek-A-Boo)…

The famous Olympic skier Picabo Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.

She is not permitted to answer the telephone, however, as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

“Picabo, ICU”.

Learn To Keep Time

A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band.

Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.”

Taters

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other and they finally got married and had a little one—a real SWEET POTATO whom they called “YAM”.

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

She said not to worry——no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of food and exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

Mr. and Mrs. Potato even told her about going off to Europe and to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to “Idaho P.U” – that’s Potato University – where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she’d really be in the Chips.

But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Dan Rather. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn’t marry him because he’s just a …. COMMON TATER!!!

(..think about it…)

Naughty Rabbit

A woman walks into a vet’s waiting room. She’s dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does NOT want to be there.

“Sit, Fluffy,” she says.

Fluffy glares at her, sopping wet, jumps up on another customer’s lap, getting water all over him.

“I said ‘SIT’! Now there’s a good Fluffy,” says the woman, slightly embarrassed.

Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and pees. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, “Darn it Fluffy, will you be good?!”

Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office.

As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says, “Pardon me, I’ve just washed my hare and I can’t do a thing with it!

The Wizard

So there’s this Wizard who worked in a factory. Everything was satisfactory except that certain miscreants, taking advantage of his good nature, would steal his parking spot.

This continued until he put up the following sign:

“This parking space belongs to the Wizard. … Violators will be toad.”

Suggestion Box

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3×5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out.

Joe wrote, “The office workers should all be given raises!”

When he looked at Frank’s card, it said “Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three weeks vacation each year, and a holiday on St. Patrick’s Day, and Columbus Day and Martin Luther King’s Birthday?”

Joe said, “Frank, that isn’t the right way of getting things changed around here – you shouldn’t put all of your begs in one ask-it.”

Its a Habit

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.

One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender, “it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc.”

Lion Story

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.

The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.

Signs of the Times

Sign over a gynecologist’s office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

On a Plumbers truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On the trucks of a local plumbing company;
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a nonsmoking area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a fence:
“Dog food is expensive. Salesmen welcome!”

At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

About Puns

Next time you start to groan at friend’s pun, ask yourself: Am I just being jealous?:

“A pun is the lowest form of humor — when you don’t think of it first.”
–Oscar Levant

“Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.”
–Fred Allen

“A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.”
–G. C. Lichtenberg

MYASS

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. known as:

“Millennia Year Application Software System” (MYASS).

Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.

We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.

Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate’s office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS.

Last week my secretary said to me, “I’m a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before.” I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS.

There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS.

This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, “Here, stick this in MYASS.”

Donkey

Fred and his brother, “Donkey” walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, “I’ll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey.”
The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, “Right donkey your round; I’ll have a pint of Guiness.”

Donkey walks up to the bar and says, “2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please.”

While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, “Say, you shouldn’t let him call you that stupid nickname.”

Donkey replies, “I know. He aw.. he aww… he awwwwww, he always calls me ‘Donkey.'”

The Wongs

A Chinese couple got married and were now known as Mr. Wong and Mrs. Wong. However, they didn’t know why, but they couldn’t have white children. So they went to the doctor to find out what the problem was, and they told him the story and the doctor replied, “Didn’t you know?” “Two Wongs don’t make a white!”