Father O’Malley Rose From His Bed…

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US Senate for assistance.

The conversation went like this:

“Good morning, this is Senator Trent Lott. How might I help you?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”

Senator Lott, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now, Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O’Malley then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”

NOTICE:

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas. This isn’t for any religious constitutional reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation’s capitol.

There was, however, no problem finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush…

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a firing squad in a small Central American country.

Bill Clinton was the first one placed against the wall and just before the order was given he yelled out, “Earthquake!” The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was reassembled and Al pondered what he had just witnessed. Again, before the order was given Al yelled out, “Tornado!” Again, the squad fell apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was thinking, “I see the pattern here; just scream out something about a disaster and hop over the wall”. He confidently refused the blindfold as the firing squad was reassembled. As the rifles were raised in his direction, he grinned from ear to ear and yelled, “Fire!”

Favorite Newspaper Headlines

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teachers’ Strike Idles Kids
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Killer Sentenced to Die For Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, it May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart in Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Local High School Dropout Cuts in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter

Once Upon a Time…

Once upon a time, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting, on the seventh day. He inquired of God,

“Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, ” Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put Life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor – over there I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.” God continued pointing to different countries…”This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land mass and said, “What’s that one?”

“Ah,” said God. “That’s Alaska, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful streams, hills, and forests – the people from Alaska are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world – as diplomats, and carriers of peace ….”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!”

God smiled, “Wait until you see the idiots I put in Juneau.”

The Top 10 Reasons Why Hillary Wants to be President:

10. She wants her own intern.
9. She wants to complete her china and silver collection.
8. Brother-in-law Roger needs another pardon.
7. She wants to lease the Lincoln Bedroom to Marc Rich.
6. She wants to rename Camp David to Camp Denise.
5. She wants to pick up the rest of the furniture.
4. She wants to return to public housing.
3. She wants the top floor of the Trump Tower when she leaves.
2. She misses her hairdresser.
1. Bill needs a pardon.

Newspapers

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn’t have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country, and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who’s running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.?

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Fairy Tales

A little girl asked her father, “Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once Upon A Time’?”

He replied, “No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that begin with ‘If elected, I promise’.”

Bill & Hillary..

Bill & Hillary Clinton were sleeping at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. “Bill, Bill wake up.”

Bill continues sleeping. Hillary shouts, “Bill, Bill wake up.”

Bill finally wakes up and says, “What do you want?” Hillary responds, “I have to go use the bathroom.”

Bill says, “Please tell me you didn’t wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom.”

Hillary says, “No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot.”

Clinton Honoraries..

Soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with “Clinton Soup,” that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Dr. Hannibal Lecter

In a bi-partisan move, President Bush has nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his candidate for US Surgeon General.

“I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti,” Bush announced.

In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She’s expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.

Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore’s sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, “enjoyed having Gore for dinner,” but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept “coming up.” “I’m sick to my stomach over this,” Lecter said.

President Bush didn’t seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. “I think it’s all crap by now, don’t you?”

P for Pakistan

A visitor from Pakistan was strolling in a park in New Delhi, India, enjoying the greenery and flowers. He needed to empty his bladder badly, but couldn’t find a urinal anywhere.

He couldn’t hold out any longer, and went behind a large bush. Just as he was undoing his fly buttons a policeman caught him. “What do you think you are doing?” asked the constable.

“I want to pee,” replied the visitor. “I am from Pakistan and I don’t know where to go. Please help me out.”

The constable ordered, “OK, follow me. I’ll show you a place with more greenery, flowers and bushes than this park. You can pee there as much as you like.” He took the Pakistani to a greener and more beautiful garden where he emptied his bladder.

The Pakistani emptied his bladder, thanked the policeman and asked “Whose garden is this, it is so beautiful?”

The constable replied, “This is the garden of the Pakistani High Commission.”

Bill Clinton and Al Gore…

Bill Clinton and Al Gore went into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress came over and asked Clinton, “Are you ready to order, sir?”

Clinton replies, “Yes, I’d like a quickie.”

“A quickie?!” the waitress replies with disgust. “Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don’t believe that’s a good idea. I’ll come back later when you are ready to make an order from the MENU.” She walks away.

Al Gore leans over to Clinton and says, “Sir, it’s pronounced ‘Quiche'”

God’s decree

God says the world is going to end, so he chooses three famous people to tell everyone. So, George Bush, Bill Gates, and Saddam Hussein come to see, him. God tells them that the world is going to end and tells them to tell their people. George Bush goes live on CNN and tells America, “Folks, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you were right all along, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world.” Saddam goes to tell all of his people of his encounter, “My people, I have some bad news and some worse news, the bad news is that those damn Americans were right all along, there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world.” Then Bill Gates writes an e-mail to all of his friends and employees, “Hi people, Iv’e got some great news and even better news. The great news is that God thinks I am one of the most famous people on earth. The even better news is that we don’t have to upgrade from Windows XP.

Puppies

A kid was sitting on his lawn with a litter of puppies one morning. George Bush was on his morning run, accompanied by some Secret Service workers. He kindly asked the boy what kind of puppies they were.
The little boy said, “Republicans.”

The President beamed, patted the boy on the head, and said, “Atta boy!”

A few weeks later Bush was jogging again, this time with Dick Cheney in tow. Bush stopped at the boy’s house, winked at Dick and said, “Hi little boy, what kind of puppies are those?”

The boy said, “Democrats.”

Bush was shocked and crushed. “What happened? A few weeks ago they were Republicans!”

The boy answered, “Well, then the puppies opened their eyes.”

Not Sticking!!

George W Bush wanted a special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He instructed his Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international quality.

When the stamps were released, Bush heard complaints that the stamps were not sticking properly, and he become furious.

He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate the matter.

The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and then reported on the problem to Bush.

He said, “Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!”

World War 3

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that`s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We`re planning World War III”.
And the guy says, “Really? What`s going to happen?”

Bush says, “Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.”

The guy exclaimed, “Intelligent blonde! Why kill a blonde?”

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass? I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Mugged

Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me your money!” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the robber, “give me MY money!”

A big tip

Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant.

Said the first man “I’m going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me.”

“That’s nothing,” replies the second man to the first, “I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager.”

Tough English

Multi-national personnel at North Atlantic Treaty Organization headquarters near Paris found English to be an easy language … until they tried to pronounce it. To help them discard an array of accents, the verses below were devised. After trying them, a Frenchman said he’d prefer six months at hard labor to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.

Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.

Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.

Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough —
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Jewish, Too!

A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.
She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, “I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?”

He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, “What is her name?”

He answers, “Monica Lewinsky.”

There is a long pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?”

Two Hard Questions

Two Tough Questions

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the answer for this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates.

Candidate A –
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B –
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C –
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional
beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.

———————————————————–

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, the answer to the abortion question:
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic and in case you never saw this one…

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up yet?

It’s the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group of idiots that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.