This is a Test

This test only has one question, but it’s a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will be able to find out where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely fictional situation, in which you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be completely honest and spontaneous. From the gut.

Please scroll down slowly and consider the scenario carefully. This is important for the test to work accurately.

You’re a freelance photographer in Florida. You are caught in a great disaster. A hurricane has caused great chaos and severe flooding. There are huge masses of water swirling around you but you somehow manage to crawl to safety on the roof of a building. The situation is nearly horrifying. But you’re trying to shoot some photographs of what you see.

There are houses and people being swept away by the raging waters, certainly to be swallowed up forever. Nature is showing all its destructive power, claiming everything in its path.

Suddenly you see a flailing man in the water, moving swiftly by but within reach. He’s fighting for his life, trying not to be sucked under and drowned.

Suddenly you realize you know this man. You look closer. Yes, you’re right. You do know him. It’s George W. Bush! And you know he is doomed if you don’t reach out to him.

You have two options. You can save the life of the President of the United States or you can take a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph recording the tragic demise of the most powerful man in the world for all posterity.

Here’s the question (please search your soul and give an honest answer):

Which would you choose, color film or black and white?

Turner Brown

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown.”

The small guy just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping and shaking him. He asks, “Are you Ok?” In a very weak voice the little guy says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?”

The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs. each. And my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Thank God!! I thought you said Turn Around”.

New IRS Tax

The only thing the Internal Revenue Service has not
yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is
hanging around unemployed. 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it’s in the hole. It has two dependents, but they’re nuts!

Effective January 2004, penises will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

10″-12″ LUXURY TAX
8″-10″ POLE TAX
5″-8″ PRIVILEGE TAX
4″-5″ NUISANCE TAX

Males exceeding 12 inches must file under capital
gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL IF MARTHA HAS BEEN AROUND YOUR DOG

10. There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

9. The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.

8. The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

7. The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia bows.

6. That telltale lemon slice in the new silver water bowl.

5. You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

4. Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your
dog’s crate.

2. Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored
virgin wool hand-knitted sweater with matching boots.

1. The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

Farmer and the Chickens

A farmer walks down to the Farm and Ranch Store to buy a bucket. When he gets there, they have some chickens and geese for sale, cheap.

Well, the fellow picks a goose and two chickens, and gets a bag of feed. He thinks for a minute and says, “Hey, how am I gonna carry all this home?”

The store manager says, “Well, put the feed in the bottom of the bucket, the goose on top, and carry a chicken under each arm.”

The farmer gives it a try, and he starts home. A couple of blocks down the street, he runs into old Widow Smith, who’s a little disoriented.

She says, “I don’t remember which way my house is.”

The farmer says, “Come on Miz Smith; you don’t live far. Let’s take this shortcut through the alley, and we’ll have you home in no time.”

Miz Smith exclaims, “Well, how do I know you won’t molest me once we’re in this back alley?”

The farmer says, “My God, woman, I got my hands full, how would I do that?!”

“Easy,” she says, “Put the bucket over the goose, put the feed on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the two chickens.”

401K

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.

Lorena Bobbitt’s Sister

Lorena Bobbitt’s sister Louella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition and Louella has been charged with a….

Misdewiener

Thinking Too Much…

Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor!

In ancient Greece (469 – 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of our students?”

“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”

“Triple filter?”

“That’s right,” Socrates continued. “Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say.. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”

“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and …”

“All right,” said Socrates. “So you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?”

“No, on the contrary ….”

“So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?”

“No, not really.”

“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Florida Driver’s License

I’ve sure gotten old. I’ve had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes.

I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But…Thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!

Two Prostitutes

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

“Two Prostitutes — $50.00.”

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they’d either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying:

“JESUS SAVES.”

One of the girls asked the officer,

“How come you don’t stop them?!”

“Well, that’s a little different,” the officer smiled . . . “Their sign pertains to religion.”

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter — $50.00.”

Lower Sex Drive?

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I want my sex drive lowered.”

“Sir”, replied the doctor, “You’re 97. Don’t you think your sex drive is all in your head?”

“You’re damned right it is!” replied the old man. “That’s why I want it lowered!”

What Did You Say?

John: I got this great new hearing aid the other day.

Mary: Are you wearing it now?

John: Yup. Cost me four thousand dollars, though. But it’s top of the line.

Mary: What kind is it?

John: Twelve-thirty.

Bloomingdales

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

“Bloomingdales!” the rabbi exclaimed. “Why Bloomingdales?”

“Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”

Ice Fishing

One day I asked my grandfather how to ice fish. He said all you need is a can of peas and a club.

“Huh?”, I said. “How does that work?”

“Well,” he said, “After you cut the hole in the ice you just place the peas around the edge of the hole! Then you wait by the hole with your club.”

“What does that do?” I asked.

“Well,” he said with a grin. “When the fish come up to take a pee, you hit him over the head with the club!”

12 Reasons Homosexual Marriage Should Not Be Legal

1. Homosexuality is not natural, much like eyeglasses, polyester, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Infertile couples and old people can’t legally get married because the world needs more children.

3. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

4. Gay marriage will be less meaningful, since Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage was meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are property, blacks can’t marry whites, and divorce is illegal.

6. Gay marriage should be decided by people not the courts, because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

8. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden to raise children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to new social norms because we haven’t adapted to cars or longer life spans.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution is always constitutional. Separate schools for African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays and lesbians will.

Old Favorites

For all of us who miss those great old tunes from the 60s and 70s, there’s good news! Some of our old favorites have re-released their great hits with new lyrics to accommodate maturing audiences.

Bobby Darin – “Splish, Splash, I Was Havin’ a Flash”
Herman’s Hermits – “Mrs. Brown, You’ve Got a Lovely Walker”
The Beatles – “I Get by with a Little Help from Depends”
Marvin Gaye – “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts”
The Bee Gees – “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip”
The Temptations – “Papa’s Got a Kidney Stone”
Nancy Sinatra – “These Boots Aren’t Made for Bunions”
Paul Simon – “Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver”
Roberta Flack – “The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face”
ABBA – “Denture Queen”
Leo Sayer – “You Make Me Feel Like Napping”
Commodores – “Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom”
Johnny Nash – “I Can’t See Clearly Now”

Corporate Lesson 1:

Share Critical Information Pertaining to Credit and Risk

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on.”

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower,

“Who was that?”

“It was Bob, the next door neighbor,” she replies.

“Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in a timely fashion with your stockholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

SeatBelt

Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised.

Corporate Lesson 3:

Respect leadership hierarchy wisely

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the admin clerk. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speed boat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

In astonishment, “Me next! Me next!” says the sales rep. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“OK, you’re up,” the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Favorite Child

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.

THE PURCHASE By a Farmer

A farmer had been taken several times by a local car dealer.

One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow. The farmer priced the unit as follows:

Basic Cow $ 999.95
Shipping and Handling 35.75
Extra Stomach 79.25
Two-tone Exterior 142.10
Produce Storage Compartment 128.50
Heavy Duty Straw Chopper 189.60
4-Spigot/High Output Drain System 149.20
Automatic Fly Swatter 88.50
Genuine Cowhide Upholstery 170.80
Deluxe Dual Horns 59.25
Automatic Fertilizer Attachment 339.40
4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly 884.16
Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb 69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $ 3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment 300.00

Total list price
(including options) $ 3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags 418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $ 4054.26