Tatamagouche

An Ontario coupling were on vacation, driving around the province of Nova Scotia. At noon, they arrived at the town of Tatamagouche. The two began to bicker about the pronunication of the town’s name. The husband suggested that they stop for lunch and ask.

At the restaurant, they placed their order. The wife asks, “Excuse me, but could you slowly pronounce the name of this place?”

The employee looks surprised, but complies.

“Bur … ger … King”

(BTW the town’s name is pronounced Tat ah mah goosh)

Gotta Tie?

A man’s car broke down in the middle of the Nullarbor plain (in other words : middle of nowhere). There was not another car in sight, so he started walking…
Three hours later no cars had passed and he was getting very, very thirsty. Just then a man riding a kangaroo bounced up.
“Want to buy a tie?” he asked.
“No! Water – quick, help, water.”
“Sorry, I’ve only got ties.” and the man and roo bounded off.

Hours later, the stranded man was still staggering along – desperate now for a drink. Another man (and another kangaroo) bounded up to him.
“Water, help I need water.” gasped the stranded man.
“Oh, wouldn’t you like to buy a tie?” said the mounted man.
“No! Water – quick, help water!”
“Sorry mate, I can do you with a nice polka dot or a paisley or even a hand painted lady – but can’t help with water.” and off he went.

The man was crawling now, inch by inch he clambered over the baked desert soil. Then he noticed a shimmering in the distance. It looked like a big building. He crawled slowly towards it even though he was sure it was a mirage. But the building became more and more solid looking. Could it be? Yes, it was a giant R.S.L. club there in the middle of nowhere. The man spent his last effort and crawled desperately to the door where he gasped to the doorman, “Let me in, I need water!”
Sorry mate,” said the doorman, “I can’t let you in without a tie.”

The Pregnant Women

There was a pregnant women. On the way to the hospital, she got into a wreck. When she woke up her babies were already born. She asked the docter if she could see her babies. He said yes, and don’t worry your brother named them. The pregnant woman freaked out and said her brother was an idiot. The doctor said the girl’s name is Denice. The pregnant women said, “Maybe my brother is not such an idiot.” Then the docter said that the boy’s name is “da nephew”.

Marriage

A girl and her best friend were at a cafe. The girl said her boyfriend finally told her about marriage. Her best friend asked her what he said. “He is married and has 3 kids,” she replied.

25 Ways to Have Fun at a Swimming Pool

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won’t come down until your demands are met.

2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren’t doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can’t swim.

6. Hit strangers with your flutter board.

7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you.

8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ”Oh yeah… oooh that feels soooo good….”

9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don’t move.

10. Swim near a stranger and say, ”Dammit I knew I shouldn’t have had watermelon before I came here.”

11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ”HA-HA, fooled you!”

13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount.

20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ”Wheee! I’m Batman!” while running around.

21. Hit strangers with your wet towel.

22. Throw people’s things into the pool.

23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

The Last Laugh

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

“I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,” she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.

“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.

“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

Crazy Advertisements!

Sometimes advertisers get it all wrong. Here are some funny examples of advertising campaigns that ended up being entirely inappropriate.

1. Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish,
where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea”.

2. Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron,
into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for
manure. Not too many people had a use for
the “manure stick”.

3. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of “I saw the Pope” (el Papa), the shirts read “I saw the potato” (la papa).

4. Pepsi’s “Come alive with the Pepsi Generation”
translated into “Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave”, in Chinese.

5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside, since most people can’t read.

6. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “it takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as “it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”.

7. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as
“Ke-kou-ke-la”, meaning “Bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax”, depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent “ko-kou-ko-le”, translating into “happiness in the mouth”.

8. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, “it won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you”. Instead, the company thought that the word “embarazar” (to impregnate) meant to
embarrass, so the ad read: “It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant”. OOPS!

3 Men, 3 Wishes

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.”

The first man went down yelling, ”Beeeerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

Application to Date My Daughter

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER NOTE:

This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ____________________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.______

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP _________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?___________________________ If No., EXPLAIN ___________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ____________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______ A waterbed? _______ Do you have an earring, nose ring, or belly button ring? A tattoo_________________ (If “yes” to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises )

9. In 50 words or less, what does “LATE” mean to you?____________________ _______________________________________________________________________

10. In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER” mean to you? _________________________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________________

11. In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE” mean to you? _____________________________________________________________________

12. Church you attend _____________ How often do you attend __________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? __________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won’t tell anyone-ever-I promise.)

a) If I were shot the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ________________

c) A woman’s place is in the ________________________________________

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is _____________

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her ______________

( NOTE: If your answer begins with “T” or “A”, discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? __________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

________________________________________ Signature ( That means your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t and it would cause you injury.) if your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases. (You might want to watch your back)

I’m Dreaming

A man went to a psychiatrist and explained his problem. “Two weeks ago I had a dream that I was a tippee. Then, the next day, I dreamt I was a wigwam. In my next dream, I was a teepee again, and this has been happening the whole too weeks! What’s wrong with me, Doc?”.
“It’s simple. You’re just two tents”.

Nightsitck

I didn’t mean to agitate the police officer. Water balloons are good fun, but he had to get all mad. Then he grabbed that metal baton thingy. That’s a lot less fun than a water balloon. I even said “think fast!” He didn’t say that to me when he used the baton on my face.

Even More Famous Last Words

Famous Last Words

“We’ll be safe here, trust me.”

“Who cares about the severe weather warning, those forecasters are always wrong anyway.”

“We’re not as high up as it looks, here I’ll show you.”

“Who cares about those heart condition warnings anyway, I wanna ride this thing!”

“My friend did this a while ago. I don’t know how it turned out, I haven’t seen him since.”

“It’s just a slight tingle.”

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!!???”

MORE MORE EVEN MORE FAMOUS LAST WORDS!!!

THE SEQUELS CONTINUE
(these are all by me by the way)

“Hmm… Let’s go for the gusto today!”

“Here’s my ticket to fame, fortune, and Ripley’s Beleive it or Not!”

“I’m not as think as you drunk I am!”

“Gotta match?”

“Now, why in the name of God’s green Earth did I do that?!”

“We’ll just mix these two together and that should…!”

“No honey, there’s no one in your closet. Now go to sleep. Quit crying. Here, I’ll look just to make sure.”

“It’s the red wire, right? The blue wire? There is no blue wire. The black one then? You’re so wishy-washy. Here I’ll just cut them both!”

“Wow. A real dud grenade! Can I pick it up?”

“Hey what’s with the mask! I’m just visiting the hospital! Zzzzzzzzz…”

“Sister Loretta, I’m telling you, I DID NOT TAKE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN. Geez! That’s the biggest ruler I’ve ever seen!”

“Don’t move. DONT’T MOVE! Ah! To hell with it I’m runnin’!”

“Hey, hey, hey! Were friends, right? Then put down the flame thrower. I said: put down the flamethrower! What do you mean by “Good idea, I’ll use my pistol instead”?!!!”

And finally…

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Whew. That was close…………?…. OOHHHH MY LORD!!!!! WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT??? WHAT IN THE HELL…… IS THAT??? WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM??? Wait a minute… Wait a minute….

OH SHIT!!!!!

3 Americans

Once upon a time 5 Indians captured 3 Americans and they said to go get fruit or they’ll beat them up.

The 1st guy comes back with apples and the Indians tell him to shove 10 apples up his butt. He says “Ok – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…” then he dies and goes to Heaven.

The 2nd guy comes back with oranges and he was told the same. “1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9…” then he bursts out laughing and laughs himself to death and he goes to Heaven. The 2 guys meet in Heaven and the 1st one says “why did you stop? you were so close!”

“Because I saw the 3rd guy, he had pineapples!!!”

C.N. Tower Time

There were three guys on the C.N. tower and the tour guide told
them that if either one of them could throw their watches over
the side and run down and catch it, they would win 1 million
dollars.

The first guy threw his watch over and when he got down, it was
shattered into a million pieces. The same thing happened to the
second guy. The third guy threw his watch over, went home and got
a shower, had his dinner, and came back and caught his watch.
The all wondered how he did it and he said, ” I set it two hours
slow”

Newfoundland Computer Lingo

1. Log on: Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off: Don’t add no more wood
3. Monitor: Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download: Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy Disk: What you fet from trying to carry to
much firewood
6. Ram: The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive: Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt: “Throw another log on the fire”
9. Window: What to shut when it’s cold outside
10. Screen: What to shut in fly season
11. Byte: What flies do
12. Bit: What the flies did
13. Mega Byte: What BIG flies do
14. Chip: Munchies when monitoring
15. Micro Chip: What’s left after you eat the chips
16. Modem: What you did to the hay fields
17. Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrixs’ wife
18. Lap top: Where kitty sleeps
19. Software: The dumb plastic knives and forks they
give you at the Big R
20. Hardware: Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn
22. Main Frame: What holds up the barn
23. Enter: City talk for “Come on in, b’y”
24. Web: The things spiders makes
25. Web Site: The barn or attic
26. Cursor: Someone who swears a lot
27. Search Engine: What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver: A repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page: A map you keep in your back pocket just
in case you get lost when picking burries
30. Upgrade: Driving up Barters’ Hill
31. Server: The Mrs. at Donovan’s who brings the
jigs’ dinner
32. Mail Server: The guy at Big R with grade 8 who brings
fish
33. MS-DOS: Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card: One of them technological birthday cards
that plays music
35. User: Buddy down your street who keeps coming
over borrowing stuff
36. Browser: What they call you when your eyebrows
grow together
37. Network: When you have to repair your fishin net
38. Internet: Where the fish get caught
39. Netscape: When a fish gets away
40. On-line: When you gets the laundry on the washline
41. Off-line: When the clothespins let go and the
laundry falls on the ground

Lottery Winner

A man walked into a stockbroker’s office and said to the receptionist, “I just won the lottery, and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company.”

Heads turned in shock at hearing the man’s language. “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow that kind of talk here,” the receptionist said. “You’ll have to leave.”

“I told you I want to open an account with this %**!&%*! company,” the man insisted.

Suddenly the manager came out. “What’s all the swearing about?” he asked.

“I just won $12 million and I want to open an account with your %**!&%*! company,” the man replied.

“Oh, I see,” said the manager. “And are these %**!&%*! people giving you a hard time?”

Bungee Jumping

2 guys decide to go down to Mexico and start a bungee jumping business. So they go down to Mexico and start setting up the equipment on a bridge while a curious crowd gathers at the bottom of the bridge and watches. Once the equipment is set up one of the friends decides to test out the stuff. So he sets off and as he bounces back up the first time he comes up with a bloody lip. The second time he bounced back up he had a black eye and a gash on his face to go along with the bloody lip. The other friend tried to catch him but missed. The third time he came back up his face was swollen on the right side and he had blood all over his face. The friend finally caught the other man and tried to tend to the wounds. He asks the friend if the cord was too long.
The friend replies, “No…Cord….fine….”
The first friend cries out, “Well what the hell happened down there??”
The second friends slowly replies, “What…the….hell…. is a…pinata?”

Death

3 men were on the way to Heaven, but God would only let the man with the worst death in. The first man says, “Well, I was on the way to my apartment because I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So when I got to my apartment on the 3rd story, my wife was in the shower, but there was a guy hanging from a window sill. I step on his fingers, but he didn’t budge. So I took a hammer and smashed his fingers so he fell, but wasn’t dead. So I took the refrigerator and threw it down on him. I got a heart attack because it was the first time I killed someone.”
The second man says, “I was climbing down the stairs of my apartment on the 4th story when I tripped, and I was hanging on a window sill. A guy comes, and steps on my fingers for no reason. I didn’t want to fall, so I held on. But he took a hammer and smashed my fingers. Then I landed on bushes, so I was alive still. A refrigerator came out of nowhere and killed me.”
The third man says, “How would you feel if you were hiding in a refrigerator because you had an affair with a guy’s wife, and the guy throws the fridge down to kill an innocent guy?”