Environmentalists

A rich lady from California, who was a tree hugger and a vociferous anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest country doctor. Being a hunter himself, the doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded, “What took you so long?” He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area… and I’m sorry, they all turned me down.”

A Guy Stopped at a Local Gas Station…

A guy stopped at a local gas station. After filling his gas tank, hepaid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

“I can’t stand this,” said the man tossing the soft drink can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the workmen. “Hold it, hold it,”he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with all this digging and refilling?”

“Well, we work for the government, and we’re just doing our job,” one of the men said.

“But one of you is digging a hole, and the other fills it up. You’re not really accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the taxpayers’ money?”

“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there are three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole, Elmer sticks in the tree, and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Because of the budget, Elmer’s job’s been cut … so now it’s just me and Leroy.”

Some Brief Thoughts on the Universe:

“There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.” – Douglas Adams.

“I’m astounded by people who want to `know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.” – Woody Allen.

“Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together….” – Carl Zwanzig.

“Computer programming is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.”
– Rich Cook.

“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson (Calvin and Hobbes).

The Historical Origin Of “The Finger”

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without their middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

The longbow was a famous weapon. It was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as “plucking the yew.”

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, “See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!”

Over the years, some ‘folk etymologies’ have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since ‘pluck yew’ is rather difficult to say (like “pleasant mother pheasant plucker”, which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative ‘F’, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as “giving the bird”.

Are you not thrilled that you have someone out there that will send you educational stuff like this?

History repeats itself – Once again the appropriate message was given to the French!

Just a Dog

A business man was driving along when he spotted a hippie thumbing for a ride. He stopped to pick him up. The hippie sat in the front of the car, bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.

The business man approached a stop sign and couldn’t see clearly to his right, so he asked the hippie if there was anything coming from the right.

“Just a dog, man..just a dog”

So the business man pulled out and CRASH!!

A few days later the business man woke up in a hospital with his arms and legs hung in traction. He looked over and saw the hippie in the bed next to him, his arms and legs also suspended in traction – still bopping and snapping his fingers to some beat in his head.

The business man asked, “Hey, I thought you said there was just a dog coming from the right!?”

Said the hippie, still snapping his fingers in rhythm, “Yeah man, like Greyhound! man…”

Two Brothers

There were two brothers.

One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.

His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn’t care who he hurt.

The bad brother died.

He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.

Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.

One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn’t seen him there. God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.

The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.

So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.

He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.

Confused, the good brother said to God, “I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you. It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don’t understand, if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? it hardly seems like a punishment”.

God said unto him, “Things are not always as they seems, my son. The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not .”

While in Line at the Bank…

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her, after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now”, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said, in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!”

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.

The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.

Having the Right Relative

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, “No money in the bank.”

The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”

He said, “I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.”

The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

My Sister and I …

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”

My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has not let me forget.

Lost in Translation

The American Dairy Association was so successful with its “Got Milk?” campaign, that it was decided to extend the ads to Mexico. Unfortunately, the Spanish translation was “Are you lactating?”

Electrolux, a Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer, used this ad in the U.S.: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”

Colgate introduced a toothpaste called “Cue” in France, but it turned out to be the same name as a well-known porno magazine.

When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, “Fly in leather,” it came out in Spanish as “Fly naked.”

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”

Chicken magnate Frank Perdue’s line, “It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken,” sounds much more interesting in Spanish: “It takes a sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate.”

Bacardi concocted a fruity drink with the name “Pavian” to suggest French chic…but “pavian” means “baboon” in German.

A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the “Mist Stick”, a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the manure stick.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken entered the Chinese market, to their horror they discovered that their slogan “finger lickin’ good” came out as “eat your fingers off.”

When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the German market, they were chagrined to learn that the German pronunciation of “v” is f – which in German is the guttural equivalent of “sexual penetration.”

Parker Pens translated the slogan for its ink, “Avoid Embarrassment – Use Quink” into Spanish as “Evite Embarazos – Use Quink”…which also means, “Avoid Pregnancy – Use Quink.”

When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, “Pepsi Brings You Back to Life” pretty literally. The slogan in Chinese really meant, “Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave.”

In Italy, a campaign for “Schweppes Tonic Water” translated the name into the much less thirst quenching “Schweppes Toilet Water.”

Chinese translation proved difficult for Coke, which took two tries to get it right. They first tried Ke-kou-ke-la because when pronounced it sounded roughly like Coca-Cola. It wasn’t until after thousands of signs had been printed that they discovered that the phrase means “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed with wax,” depending on the dialect. Second time around things worked out much better. After researching 40,000 Chinese characters, Coke came up with “ko-kou-ko-le” which translates roughly to the much more appropriate “happiness in the mouth.”

Not to be outdone, Puffs Tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that “Puff” in German is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren’t too fond of the name either, as it’s a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.

The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. “No va” means “it doesn’t go” in Spanish.

Ford introduced the Pinto in Brazil. After watching sales go nowhere, the company learned that “Pinto” is Brazilian slang for “tiny male genitals.” Ford pried the nameplates off all of the cars and substituted them with “Corcel” which means horse.

When Gerber first started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA – with the cute baby on the label. Later, they found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what’s inside since most people can’t read.

In the French part of Canada, Hunt-Wesson introduced its “Big John” products as “Gros Jos.” It later found out that the phrase is slang for “big breasts.”

Simple Advice

By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace……..

The article read:

“The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you’ve started.”

So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn’t finished….and before leaving the house this morning I finished off bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey’s, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some valium, some cheesecake and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how freakin good I feel….

From the Golden Age of Comedy

“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” – Jack Benny

“When I was born I was so surprised that I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” – Gracie Allen

“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.” – Milton Berle

“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” – George Burns

“You’re never too old to become younger.” – Mae West

“I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it’s in my veins.” – Charlie Chaplin

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

“I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope

“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W.C. Fields

“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” – Henny Youngman

Hillary’s Got This Huge…

“Hillary’s got this huge book, it’s a memoir of her life and times at the White House. In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said ‘I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.’ No, I’m sorry, that’s what Monica said.”
– David Letterman

A Dedicated Teamsters Union…

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry, it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House.”

The man asked, “And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.” That’s more like it!” the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.” “I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

Lena and Ole

Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?” “Just a minute,” said the busy clerk. “Vell, said Lena, “if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”

In Hillary Clinton’s New Book…

“In Hillary Clinton’s new book ‘Living History,’ Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts.”
– Jay Leno

The Judge Had Just Awarded…

The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.” “Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”

Ole and Lena

Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena’s knee.

Giggling, Lena said, “Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.”

So Ole drove to Duluth.

CNN Found…

“CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she’s strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.”

– Jay Leno

Ole Died

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, “You just put ‘Ole died.’ ”

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”

So Lena pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.’ “

Two Old Ladies…

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress One leaned over and said, “Life is so boring, we never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!” “You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend heard a huge commotion inside the hall, following by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. “How did you do?” asked her waiting friend. “Great! I just won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement!”