Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Life is full of uncertainties…or could I be wrong about that?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn…that was fun!”??
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired.
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead’s.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Sometimes you are the dog. Sometimes you are the hydrant
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.