The Hypothalamus

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the “Four F’s”: fighting, fleeing, feeding, and mating. -Heard in a neuropsychology classroom

A Guy Falls Asleep…

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, “What good will Viagra do him?”

The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheets off his legs.”

The Country Doctor

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed and after a little while, the Doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby. “Hit him again,” the 5-year-old said. “He shouldn’t have crawled up there in the first place!”

Viagra Study

In a recent FDA study, the United States government doctors who were conducting studies on test drugs administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers.

While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The researchers are at a loss to explain the phenomenon.

The Long Term Implications of Drug…

The long term implications of drug research and medical procedures must be fully considered.

Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer’s Disease research.

Medical researchers believe that by the year 2030 there will be a significant number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can’t remember what to do with them.

After a Few Years of Married Life…

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.” Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says: “I can cure this.” He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1-2-3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the witch doctor: “What happens when it’s over?”

The witch doctor says: “All you or your partner has to say is ‘1234’ and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: “1-2-3” and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: “What did you say ‘1-2-3’ for?”

NEW DRUGS FOR MEN

With Viagra being such a great medical success for increasing men’s sexual prowess, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today’s society.

Here are a few of the new ones:

DIRECTRA – a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.

BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewellery and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store’s return limit.

NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.

NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

FLATULAGRA – This complex drug converts men’s noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.

FLYAGRA – This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.

PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into “special prosecutors.”

LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.

Now Get Your Mind Out of the Gutter….

I shall seek and find you,
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you,
I will make you ache, shake, and sweat until you moan and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, you will beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
You will be weak for days.
You have been warned, my love, by…

THE FLU!!
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get a flu shot.

Ethel was a Bit of a Demon…

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair. She loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed in the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her. Some of the male residents even joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. “STOP,” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?” Ethel fished around in her handbag, pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. Okay,” he said. And away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of insurance for that vehicle?” Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Seemingly satisfied, Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable erection in his hand. “Oh, GOD,” said Ethel. “Not the breathalyzer again!”

A Man Went to the Doctor…

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone…”

Doctor Doodles

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D.”Fractured English.”)

– By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

– Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

– The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.

– On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

– She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

– The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

– I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.

– Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

– I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

– The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

– Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

– The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.

– Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

– The patient refused an autopsy.

– The patient has no past history of suicides.

– The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

– Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

– Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

– The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

– She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

– The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

– The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

An Italian Doctor was Having…

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. “But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.

He replied, “Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of the child’s expenses.”

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor’s wife called him at the office and explained, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”

The doctor said, “Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you.” Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.

Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read:

“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

“Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.”

Parental FAQ

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, generally 35 children are enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ‘Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidermal?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Viagra Now Available…

Viagra now available in liquid form. FDA officials today announced the release of the wonder drug Viagra in a new, easy-to-take liquid form. It is sold under the name “Mydixadrill.”

Now when men come home from work in the evening, they can pour themselves a stiff one.

Doctor Stories: Truth Defeats Fiction

A man comes into the ER and yells, “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
**
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. “Big breaths,” I instructed. “Yes, they used to be,” remorsed the patient.
**
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, “Cover your right eye with your hand.” He read the 20/20 line perfectly. “Now your left.” Again, a flawless read. “Now both,” I requested. There was silence. He couldn’t even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
**
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications. “Which one?” asked the doctor. “The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I’m running out of places to put it!” The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn’t see… Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
**
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, “How long have you been bedridden?” After a look of complete confusion she answered…. ….”Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband was alive.”
**
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”

I Can Take It…

The man told his doctor that he just wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English… What’s wrong with me?”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re simply a lazy old fart.”

“Thank you for your candor,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term, so I have something to tell my wife!”

TOP 10 SLOGANS…

TOP 10 SLOGANS BEING CONSIDERED BY VIAGRA

10. Viagra, It’s “Whaazzzzz Up!”
9. Viagra, The quicker pecker upper
8. Viagra, Like a rock!
7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight.
6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.
4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra, Tastes great!……… More filling!
2. Viagra, We bring good things to life!

And the number one slogan, being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis………This is your penis on drugs.

Yesterday, I Heard …

Yesterday, I heard from a drug rep for Glaxo who told me that they are on the verge of launching a new herbal remedy that they think will take the market by storm. This drug sounds so promising that I want to suggest to my friends that they consider buying stock in the company.

The drug is called Gingko Viagra, and its function is to help you remember what the fuck you are doing.

Making the Rounds

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of first year medical students.

“As you can see,” she says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Why Politicians Make the Best Patients ?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, “I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”

The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”

The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.”

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable.”

Call Terminix

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.

He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.

The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach’s attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Yes, there’s a nasty bug going around.”

Under Pressure

Patient: “Doctor, you gotta help me. I’m under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people.”

Doctor: “Tell me about your problem.”

Patient: “I just did, you moron!”

Generic Equivalent

In pharmacology, all drugs have generic names:

Tylenol is acetaminophen,
Advil is ibuprofen, & so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra and
announced today that they have settled on mycoxafailin.

Also considered were mycoxafloppin, mydixadrupin and mydixarizin.

Love is in the Air

Love is in the Air

An elderly French man was slowly walking down the countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple, naked, making love in a field.

Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, “Ah ze young love …ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers, c’est magnifique!!” and continued to watch remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, “Mais… Sacre bleu!! Ze woman – she is dead!” and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Albert, the police chief.

He arrived, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, “Albert…Albert, zere is zis man zis woman …naked in farmer Gaston’s field, making love.” The police chief smiled and said, “Come, come, Henri. You are not so old to remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers… Ah, L’amour! Zis is okay.”

“Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman she is dead!!” Hearing this Albert leapt out from his seat and rushed out of the station, and the police car being serviced, he ran down to the field, confirmed Henri’s story, and ran all the way back non-stop to call the doctor:

“Pierre, Pierre, … this is Albert. I was in Gaston’s field. Zere is a young couple naked ‘aving sex ”

Pierre replied, “Albert, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers. Ah, l’amour! Zis is very natural.”

Albert, still out of breath gasped in reply, “NON, you do not understand. Ze woman, she is dead!” Hearing this, Pierre shouted, “Mon dieu!” grabbed his black medicine bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools and jumped in the car and drove like a madman down to Gaston’s field.

Upon getting there he gave the couple a full medical exam and drove back to Henri and Albert, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, and smiled patiently at the two Frenchmen and said, “Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead. She is English.”