A Man Walks Into a Bar…

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”

Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, ‘Listen! I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.”

Eyes now wide with interest he says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”

Being Screwed By An Attorney

“Can I help you?” the madam asked

“I want Natalie,” the elderly man replied.

“Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else…”

“No,” said the man, “I must see Natalie.”

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left.

The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room.

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: “No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”

The old man replied, “I’m from Philadelphia.”

“Really?” replied Natalie “I have family who live there.”

“Yes, I know,” said the old man. “Your father died; I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000.”

So the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.

A Man Wanted a Big, Ferocious Dog…

A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. “He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer. “Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have something
better in mind for you.”

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. “Ah,” said the buyer, “This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier.” “Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. “This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” he exclaimed. “This dog seems quite tame; he doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt!”

“I know, I know,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”

Cross Examination

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender.

Q. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer – do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year’s “Best comeback” line and we think he’ll win.

Murphy, a Dishonest Lawyer…

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client’s jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

Manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

“Boy, did I!” said the juror. “They kept voting to acquit!

Called to Serve

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn’t believe in capital punishment and didn’t want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course.

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury.

“Madam,” he explained, “this is not a murder trial! It’s a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.”

“Well, okay,” agreed Mrs. Hunter, “I’ll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!”

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, “Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg?”

“Phew, that one’s easy,” says the teacher, “The Titanic.”

“Alright,” said St.Peter, “you may pass.”

Then the thief got his question: “How many died on the Titanic?”

The thief replied, “That’s a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people.” And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: “Name them

Things Said In Court 2

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child?
A: I’m his mother.
Q: And you have been so all of his life?

Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Attorney Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.

Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
A: The young lady is pregnant ? but not as a result of my examination.

Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
A: “No.”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
A: “No.”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
A: “No.”
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”

The Catch?

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, “I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So, what’s the catch?”

Honest Lawyer, Ulaiy

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyers names was Thomas Ulaiy (A-lie). After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

Thomas said the he wasn’t going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have “Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!”, he said enthusiastically.

“Why are you going to have that?” asked his friend. “Well”, said Thomas, “When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see… ‘Here Lies The Body of an Honest Lawyer’, they’ll say “Yeah, that’s Ulaiy”.

The Well-Dressed Lawyer and the Redneck

A successful, wealthy and very arrogant bigshot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day. The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault…

“YOU STUPID REDNECK!” shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls.

“Now how am I gonna get outa this?” though the redneck to himself. Then he had an idea…

After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie, starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back.

He handed it to the hotshot and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this. It’ll steady your nerves….IT’S HOMEMADE…”

The lawyer did, but was so angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, “You still look a little bit pale. How about another?” And the smug, pompous lawyer took another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun through his wool suit.

Then the redneck said “It’s mighty hot today. Folks ’round here don’t usually wear shoes on a day like those. Why don’t you take off them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?”

The lawyer frowned: “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for hicks, but not for a professional like ME! These are $500 shoes!”

But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and then again, and finally the lawyer, feeling the white lightnin’, let out a laugh and took off his polished shoes and socks. Then the redneck said: “Why don’t you take off that fancy necktie?”

The lawyer said: “My tie!”, but in a minute, the silk tie was dropped on top of the shoes and the socks.

The redneck grinned and held up an extra pair of overalls he found in his pickup. “And that fancy business suit? You look kind of funny standing there barefoot in a suit on a 100 degree day! You can wear these while we figger out what to do about this situation!”

The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…

Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the starched white shirt. Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.

“Now ain’t that more comfortable?!” said the redneck.

At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another, and another.

The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the redneck…

“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree. The lawyer stared at him in shock, but was now so drunk he couldn’t stand up. The redneck was wearing the lawyer’s clothes, holding his briefcase, shaving with a razor he found in the briefcase and holding the keys to his BMW.

Then he reached over and pulled the Rolex off the lawyer’s arm and as a final touch, rubbed some dirt into the lawyer’s manicured hands and expensive haircut. He looked at the formerly well-dressed and dignified lawyer, sitting in the dirt, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and looking like a true redneck, “I’m waiting for the state trooper.” . . . . . .

Ticket Please

Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

“How can the three of you travel on one ticket?” asks a lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. On the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers’ technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all!

“How on earth are you going to pull this off?” asks a lawyer.

“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. “Ticket, please!”

The Butcher

A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor, who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, “Your dog stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat.” The lawyer said, ” You are correct. How much was the meat?” The butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that he should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached for $150, “for legal consultation”.

Golden Rat

A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, a golden rat interested him and he went to purchase it.
“That’ll be $20 for the rat and $1,000 for the story behind it,” said the shop owner.

“Thanks, but I’ll just take the rat for $20 and leave the story”. He bought the golden rat and left the store. While walking down the street, he saw all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, even more rats came. He went down to the docks and still more rats ran out and followed him. So he walked out into the water, and all the rats drowned. He returned to the curio store soon after.

“Sooo,” said the proprietor. “You’ve come back for the story, I thought so!”

“Nope,” said the man. “Got any golden lawyers?”

The Funeral

A man arrives at his laywer’s funeral and and was very dismayed by the presence of this one person. He turns to the people around him. ‘Why are you all at this man’s funeral?’ A man turns towards him and says, ‘We’re all clients.’
‘And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching.’
‘Huh? No, we came to make sure he was dead.’

How Can I Explain?

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first” she said. “What does your mother do all day?” Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?” Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher. “What about your father, Billy?” Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy works in a topless bar!”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.

Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell. Billy’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But, how can I explain that to a seven-year-old?”

A Night In The Barn

A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”

“No problem,” chimed the Rabbi. “My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening.” With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer. He replied, “I am grateful to you, but I just can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. “What’s wrong?” the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, “I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer’s door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”
“Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the – ”

“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road – ”

“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”

Free Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the
exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

The Murder Trial

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.