Cheese Sandwich

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

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| Cheese Sandwich: $1.50 |
| Chicken Sandwich: $2.50 |
| Hand Job: $10.00 |
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Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”

“I was wondering”, whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”

The man replies “Well wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”

Leaves

A guy got on a bus one day and sat in the aisle seat beside an elderly lady. A few minutes later, he couldn’t control himself and had to let loose a big noisy fart.

Embarrassed, he tried to make conversation with the lady and asked her “Do you by any chance have today’s paper?”

The lady looked at him and said “No, but the next time we pass by a tree, I’ll grab you a handful of leaves.”

Oddy

There once was this kid named Oddy,
He always missed the Potty,
He went some poops,
and shouted out oops,
Because Oddy Missed the Potty

I’ll Cry!!!

A girl in around fifth grade was walking home from school. As she walking she sees a really adorable little boy walking the same way as she is. The little boy comes up to her and says,
“Can i walk home with you??”
The little girl, being a mean snobby person says,
“Oooh, god no!! Go away ya midget!!”
“I’ll cry!!!”
* big sigh *
“Fine just don’t cry!!”

When they get to her house she stops and tells him to go away. But he says,
“Can i come over??”
“Ooh no!!! No munchkins allowed!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
*another big sigh*
“Fine, but only for a little bit”

Its getting late and she tells him to leave.
“Can I stay for dinner??”
“For the last time no!!! Go away!!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
“Fine!!”

Dinner is over and she tells him to leave.
“Can i sleep over??”
“NO!! Never!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
“OK, fine! But you have to sleep in the living room.”

Later that night she hears a knock on the door.
“Can i sleep in your room?”
“No way!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
“Fine.”

Later on…
“Can i sleep in your bed?”
“Not in a million years!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
“If you must, but no crying!!”

Even later…
“Can I stick my finger in your bellybutton??”
She shoots strait up in her bed!
“No you freak!!!”
“I’ll cry!!”
“Fine!”
A beat.
“Hey thats not my belly button!!”
“Suprise, suprise thats not my finger!!!”

IN the military

A young , attractive woman thought she might have some fun with a stiff-looking military man at a cocktail party, so she walked over and asked him, “Major, when was the last time you had sex?”

“1956,” was his reply. “No wonder you look so uptight!” she exclaimed. “Major, you need to get out more!”

“I’m not sure I understand you,” he answered, glancing at his watch, …”It’s only 2014 now.”

Peeping Tom

Once upon a time, there was an elderly couple. Next door, there lived a Peeping Tom. One day, the couple received a phone call. The woman said, “Fred! Peeping Tom tells us to shut the blinds or he’ll call the police!”

Prized Possesion

A mortician was examining Mr. Zeron’s body before sending it to be cremated. He discovered the longest private part he had ever seen on Zeron. He felt it a pity to cremate him with it, so, apologising to the corpse, the mortician used his tools to remove the tremendously huge private part.

The mortician stuffed the prize possesion into his briefcase and took it home to show his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said and opened his briefcase.

Upon seeing it, his wife cried, “Oh my God! Zeron is dead!”

Raw Elements

In school one day, the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, “Children, if you could have one raw element in the world what would it be?”
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche.”

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, “I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette”

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicon.”

The teacher said, “Why Johnny?”

He responded by saying, “Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”

Three men

Three men, a fat man, a Russian, and a Puerto Rican, are standing on a bridge. The Russian removes a bottle of vodka from his coat, takes a sip, and then throws the bottle over the bridge.

The Puerto Rican asks, “Why did you do that? That was perfectly good bottle of vodka!”

The Russian replies, “There’s plenty of that where I come from.”

The Puerto Rican doesn’t want to be upstaged, so he removes a joint from his pocket, takes a long puff, and then throws the rest of it over the bridge.

The fat man exclaims, “Hey! What the hell did you do that for? That was a perfectly good joint!”

The Puerto Rican replies, “There’s plenty of that where I come from.”

Now, the fat man doesn’t want to be upstaged, so he searches through his pockets but he can’t find anything. He looks around for a moment, then rips off his stomach and throws it over the bridge.

The Russian exclaims, “What the hell did you do that for?Thats gross!”

The American replies, “There’s plenty of that where I come from.”

False Teeth

In a hurry to get a special dinner party, the guest speaker arrived and sat down, only to realize he’d forgotten his false teeth. He explained his dilemma to the man sitting next to him.
The man said, “No problem,” reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of false teeth. “Try these,”he said.
“Too loose,” the speaker said.
The man pulled out another pair.
“Too tight,” the speaker told him.
“I have one more pair.”
The speaker tried them and they fit perfectly.
With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. When the dinner was over, he went to thank the man who’d helped him.
“Where’s your office?” he inquired. “I’m looking for a good dentist.”
The man replied: “I’m not a dentist. I’m an undertaker.”

Throw Up

There were 2 guys who were best friends, Bob and Carl, that went walking everyday past a very fancy restuarant made up of very clear, expensive glass. Well everytime they went by, they would always make jokes about the rich snobs who dined there (of course because they were jealous because they wanted to be in there eating the expensive food). So one day Bob made a bet with Carl that he could make half of the people throw up. As soon as Carl agreed on the bet, Bob went and put his boogers and some dog poop all over the glass and indeed half of the people did throw up. So Carl lost some money but wanted to get it back. So he made a bet the he could get the other half of the people to throw up. Bob thought there is no way of doing this but he did. Carl went up and licked it all off! And in the end they both broke even.

The End (lol)

Waiters and Spoons

At a restaurant, one of the customers noticed that all of the waiters had two spoons in their vest pockets. Upon being asked, one waiter said, “We see that the most frequently dropped silverware are spoons, therefore we keep them for replacement.”
Then the customer noticed that a string was hanging out of all the waiters’ flies and asked what the string was for. “The string is for us to go to the bathroom,” explained the waiter, “that way, when we pull it, it shoots and aims right away. Then we don’t have to stop to wash our hands.”

The customer asked, “Well, that’s how you get it out, but how do you get it back in?”

The waiter whispered confidentially, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the two spoons.”

3 couples and Church

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.

“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot either.”

Golf Pro

A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says not bad.

Golf pro: “Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife’s breasts”. The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The golf pro says “Excellent!” Now the woman takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards.

Golfpro: “Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick.” She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.

Golfpro: “Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball.”

Underwear

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, “I’ll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample.” The old man says, “What?” So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, “what?” So the doctor yells it, “I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!” With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, “He needs a pair of your underwear!”

Dear Departed

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he’s in his brown suit. She’d specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she’d brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.

She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she’d brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said, “Who’s paying for this?” Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.

After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband into a blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, “Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was switch heads!

5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines

1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can’t hold it in.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meet you between the holidays?
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I’ll give you the meat.

Farting People

-The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.
-The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people’s farts.
-The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.
-The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.
-The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.
-The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.
-The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.
-The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.
-The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.
-The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.
-The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.
-The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.
-The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.
-The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.
-The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.
-The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor’s fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

AAAAAAAAHHHH smells like freshness

This lonely little boy was sitting at home, and he recently discovered the noises and smells that can emit from his body in the form of a fart.

So the bored little boy decided to travel the world looking for the best fart,

He went to Canada and realized that the cold temperature caused the farts to be really short.

He went to Mexico and realized all the spicy foods caused really uncomfortable farts.

All other parts of the world had interesting farts but not what the boy was looking for.

Feeling that he failed, the boy went back home after his yearly trips around the world, only to walk in on his mom bending over into an oven attempting to pull a cake out.

In the middle of her attempt she ripped the biggest fart in the world,

The boy was immediately excited he found the best fart,

Which proves the moral of the story
HOME IS WHERE THE FART IS!