Advantages

A not necessarily well-prepared college student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed “Give four advantages of breast milk.” What to write?” He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Never goes sour.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good – maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly scribbled his definitive answer.

4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.

He received an A.

Over Qualified

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep the entire store.”

“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom. Let me show you how.”

Becoming a Real Man

That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man – as well as earn an MA degree (Male Arts).

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS – Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What’s Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU: the Weaker Sex
ECON 001B What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down
Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise or Blair Underwood
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important – 101

Spring Schedule:
MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not NECESSARY
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important – 201

Course Electives:
EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, “Yes, Dear”
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Bird Legs

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he arrived at classroom, he saw ten rods with platforms with ten birds on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds’ legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species.

The student looked at each of the birds’ legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the angrier he got.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor’s desk and said, “What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?!” With that, the student threw his test on the professor’s desk and walked to the door.

The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn’t know every student’s name so, as the student reached the door the professor called, “Hey mister, what’s your name?”

The enraged student turned around, pulled up his pant legs and said, “You tell me, buddy. YOU TELL ME!”

First Delivery

“What’s the usual tip?” a man growled when, Brett, a college boy delivered his pizza.

“Well,” Brett continued, “this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I’d be doing great.”

“Is that so?” grunted the man. “In that case, here’s five dollars.”

“Thanks,” Brett said, “I’ll put it in my college fund.”

“By the way, what are you studying?” inquired the man.

And Brett replied, “Applied psychology.”

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

5. Check your email.

6. Stop off at another floor on the way back, and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn’t started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you her paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop her.

7. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

8. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

9. Check your email.

10. You know, you haven’t written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You’d better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

11. Look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

12. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that’s it. I mean it, as soon as it’s over you are going to start that paper.

13. Listen to the other side.

14. Check your email.

15. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

16. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he’s started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the college, the world at large.

17. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

18. Make yourself a power snack.

19. Check your email.

20. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren’t missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowlers Tour b) any news report involving the President.

21. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on Channel 26.

22. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

23. Check your email.

24. Look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

25. Look through your roommate’s book of pictures from home. Ask how everyone is.

26. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

27. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench coated strangers lurking in the hall.

28. Check your email.

29. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

30. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

31. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

32. Lie face down on the floor and groan.

33. Check your email.

34. Leap up and write the paper.

35. Type the paper, and while you’re at it, check your email.

36. Complain to everyone that you didn’t get any sleep because you had to write that damn paper.

Subtle Hints

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really $well. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I have $o much $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need. $o if you like, $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep an hoNOrs student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can’t study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Anything

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly.

“I would do *anything* to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean…” she repeats, “…I would do…*anything*.”

He returns her gaze. “Anything?”

“*Anything*.”

His voice softens. “*Anything*??”

“*Anything*.”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…*study*?”

You Know You’re Out Of College When…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven’t seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00a.m. is not early.
9. You have to file for your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You’re not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that “Bachelor” is a nicer term for a jackass.
14. “Extended childhood” only really pertains to your salary, which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. “Twenty-something” means over-qualified, under-paid, and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up, and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans and baseball caps aren’t staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401K plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that the police don’t raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you.
24. You don’t know what time Wendy’s closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon, and rum.

The Universal Grade Change Form

To: Professor _______________
From: ____________________

I think my grade in your course, ___, should be changed from ___ to ___ for the following reasons:

__1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.

__2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.

__3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won’t get into:

__Medical School
__Graduate School
__Dental School
__Fraternity/Sorority
__The Mickey Mouse Club
__Tri County Tech

__4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in ______.

__5. I’ll lose my scholarship.

__6. I’m on a varsity sports team, and my tutor couldn’t find a copy of your exam for me.

__7. I didn’t come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.

__8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.

__9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.

__10. You are prejudiced against:

__ Males
__ Blacks
__ Females
__ Jews
__ Catholics
__ Whites
__ Protestants
__ Minorities
__ Chicanos
__ Students
__ People

__11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.

__12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:

__ mono
__ broken baby finger
__ acute alcoholism
__ pregnancy
__ VD
__ fatherhood

__13. You told us to be creative but you didn’t tell us exactly how you wanted that done.

__14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.

__15. I don’t have a reason; I just want a higher grade.

__16. The lectures were:

__ too detailed to pick out important points.
__ not explained in any sufficient detail.
__ your class was far too boring.
__ all jokes and not enough material.
__ all of the above.

__17. This course was:

__too early, I was not awake.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
__too late, I was tired.

__18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.

__19. Other reason: __________________.

Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. “What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked. “That is the talking clock,” the man replied. “How’s it work?”

“Watch,” the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “Knock it off, you idiot! It’s two o’clock in the morning!”

News From School

“Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been three months now since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not writing before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read further unless you are sitting down, okay?

Well, then, I’m getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival here is pretty well healed. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump was witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me in the hospital and since I have nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment.
It’s really a basement room, and it’s kind of cute.

He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has a minor infection that prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. I have bumps all over my “down there” but this will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily. I know that you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race, color and religion than ours, I know your often-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by this fact.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire. I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital. I am not pregnant. I am not engaged. I do not have a disease and there is no miscegenation in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in history and an “F” in science, and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter, JL

Do you know who I am?

It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

“No, you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.”

The student looked incredulous and angry.

“Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact I don’t,” replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

“Do you know who I am?” the student asked again in a louder voice.

“No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good,” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

College Rules

It was the first day of college, and time for the usual ‘authoritative declaration of the not to be broken rules’. The principal, in typical intimidating fashion, addressed the students:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students. The male dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all the female students”. The principal, sensing he was on a roll, stood tall and powerful as he covered the punishments for breaking the rules. “Be wary, anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20. It doesn’t stop there though, anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

“How much for a season pass?”

Kitten of the Dorm

My college doesn’t allow pets in my dorm, so when I got a kitten I had the guys in my dorm refer to him as “the Book” to avoid suspicion.

One morning, as I carried the kitten out to my car in a crate, my girlfriend stopped me and asked, “where are you taking the Book?”

“She’s getting Spayed today,” I said.

“Hmm…” she said. “I guess that means no sequels!”

English Lecture

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. “In English,” he said, “A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.”

A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

Acceptance Upon Rejection

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your company.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,

XXXXXXXX

Whoops!

Introductory Chemistry at Duke has been taught for about 50 years by Professor Bonk (really), and his course is semi-affectionately known as “Bonkistry”. He has been around forever, so I wouldn’t put it past him to come up with something like this.
Anyway, one year there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the mid-terms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to U Virginia and party with some friends up there.

They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn’t make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they found Professor Bonk after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn’t have a spare and couldn’t get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated, relieved and very proud of their story. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time Bonk had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. “Cool,” they thought, “this is going to be easy.” They did that problem and turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page…

WHICH TIRE? (95 points)

A College Student Sent a Letter to Her Parents…

A college student sent the following letter to her parents:

Hi Parent$!

Today i$ $eptember 15. I’m doing $uperb in $chool (or, $hould I $ay, college). The teacher$ are great, my roommate$ are great, and I’m having a $uper time! All I could u$e right now is a little ca$h.

To which the parents responded:

Hi daughter!

NOthing happening on this end. Something’s wrong, because you kNOw, we got this letter in NOvember. I am NOt worrying about anything down here, kNOck on wood huh?

Your loving parents,
NOrden and Morden Finkelstein.

How Does It Work?

An Engineering Major says “How does it work?”

A Science Major says “Why does it work?”

An Accounting Major says “How much will it cost?”

A Liberal Arts Major says “Do you want fries with that?”