Party

A little boy asked his mother:

Mummy, why are you white and I am black?

Don’t even ask me that, when I remember that party…, you are lucky that you don’t bark.

Homework

“Dad,” said Little Johnny, “I’m late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?”

Little Johnny’s father said irately, “Son, it just wouldn’t be right.”

“That’s okay,” replied Little Johnny “You could at least give it a try, couldn’t you?”

Two Little Boys Were Looking…

Two little boys were looking for a way to cool off on a hot summer day.

Their dad wouldn’t let them play in the sprinkler because he was mowing the lawn, so the boys set out to find a way to get wet and cool without getting into trouble.

They sat on the curb brainstorming the solution, when suddenly one of them jumped up and declared, “I know! Let’s get baptized!”

Well, both boys had seen enough to know that you can get wet at a baptism, so they trotted on down to the church on the corner and told the pastor they wanted to get baptized.

The irritated pastor finally relented after about 10 minutes of begging, and he finally dragged the boys to the men’s room and dunked them both head first into the toilet, then sent them on their way.

The boys sat on the curb, slightly disappointed with the whole adventure, when one of them asked the other, “Hey, what religion are we now?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “If we were Baptists, he
would have filled up the big tub and dunked our whole body like he did for Uncle Jim, and if we were Catholic, he would have poured it on our heads from a pitcher…”

They sat and thought about it for a while longer when the first one said in a small voice, “Since he stuck our head in the toilet, I think that it means that we’re ‘pisscapalian.”

Mom, What’s Sex?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, “Mom, what’s sex?”

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, “Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?”

I Know the Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth”. The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him a $50 note and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father also promptly hands him a $50 note and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

A Father Watched His Daughter…

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked. “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked. “That’s a daddy longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?” the little girl asked.

“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are daddy longlegs.” The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. “Well, we’re not having THAT sort of thing going on in our garden”.

Who was That?

After putting her children to bed, a mother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head & stormed into their room, putting
them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard her three-year-old say with a trembling voice, “Who was that?”

Ribbet

A kindergarden teacher had a pupil tell her he had found a frog.

She inquired as to whether it was dead or alive.

“Dead,” she was informed.

“How do you know?” she asked.

“Because I pissed in his ear,” said the child innocently.

“You did WHAT?” squealed the teacher in surprise.

“You know,” explained the boy,

“I leaned over and went ‘Pssst’. He didn’t move!”

Childlike

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.”

His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

Lesson in Logic

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”

A girl raised her hand and asked, “To draw out all his savings?”

Kids Say the Darndest Things…

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their students have written in papers. Here are a few examples:

– The future of “I give” is “I take.”

– The parts of speech are lungs and air.

– The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

– A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

– Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

– The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

– The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

– We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

– A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities.

– The climate is hottest next to the creator.

– Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

– Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

– In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

Little Leroy was at Home…

Little Leroy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine.” At that moment, his mother came in and heard that he was cursing. “Leroy, what are you doing?! Why are you saying that?”

Little Leroy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”

She said, “And is that what your teacher taught you?”

He replied, “Yes.”

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy’s school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his Math teacher, “I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math.” The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition problems.” Little Leroy’s mother asked, “Are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?”

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, “Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four.”

Have You Ever Asked Your Child a Question Too Many Times?

Remember this story when they start getting frustrated:

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said “No.”

I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have had, cause the smell was getting worse. So………I asked one more time, “Matt, did you have an accident?”

This time, with a little smirk on his face, he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled……… “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!”

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.

I was mortified……… but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!!!

Why? (Makes Sense to Me!)

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want him very badly.”

So Little Johnny asked, “Then why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”

Getting Into Heaven

“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well,” I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!”

Pockets

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?” The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.” The uncle said, “Listen kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.” So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?” The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy
said, “Eleven.”

Rich kids and Poor Kids

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid’s house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool, and all the kids go in. As they’re changing afterwards, one of the poor kids says to the other one, “Did you notice how small the rich kid’s penises were?” “Yeah,” says his mate, “It’s probably because they’ve got toys to play with.”

Diapers

One day my wife was changing my daughter’s diaper, and my 3 year old son walked in and saw her and asked, “Mommy, where is her thingy?”

I almost had a heart attack, laughing so hard that day.

A Spelling Lesson

Little Johnny kept spelling the word “went” wrong, instead he spelt “whent”. His teacher, who was very fusterated, decided to keep him after class to spell “went” 100 times.
The next day she comes into the classroom, thinking he learned his lesson, and sees the whole board is full of the word “went”.

But at the end…
“I wrote “went” 50 times, then I ran out of space, so I whent home”

Three Boys

There were three boys with names Shutup, Manners and Trouble. They were walking around town when they realized Trouble was missing. Shutup and Manners searched and searched but failed to find the missing boy. At a lost, they went up to the Neighbourhood Police Post. Manners had to go to the toilet so Shutup went up and spoke to the policeman there.

Policeman=P Shutup=S

P: Hi little boy, what’s your name?
S: Shutup
P: What a rude boy! Where are your manners?
S: At the toilet
P: What are you talking about? Are you looking for trouble here?
S: Yes

Attention Children:

The Bathroom Door is Closed. Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions. Wait until I get out.

Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken. I am not trapped. I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might occur while I was in here, but it’s been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.

Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.

Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.

Do not go running back to the phone yelling, “She’s in the BATHROOM!

Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.

Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two, but not now.

Do not slide pennies, Lego’s, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.

If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.

And yes, I still love you.

Mom

Why Fire Depts. have Dalmatians

A mother was driving her kids to school one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

The Seagull

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old daughter ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

“Daddy, what happened to him?” the daughter asked.

“He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied.

The little girl thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”