Stairway To Heaven

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde’s turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. “Why are you laughing?” God asked. “I didn’t tell a joke.” “I know,” the blonde replied. “I just got the first joke.”

The Bird Question

A blond named Pam is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Regis Philbin

Regis: “Pam, you’re up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars. If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”

Pam: “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol.”

Carol (also a blond) answers the phone: “Hello?”

Regis: “Hello Carol, it’s Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s…”

Pam: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build it’s own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”

Carol: “Oh geez, Pam. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”

Pam: “Are you sure?” Carol: “I’m sure.”

Regis: “Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?”

Pam: “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”

Regis:” Is that your final answer?”

Pam: “Yes.”

Regis: “Are you confident?”

Pam: “Yes; I think Carol’s pretty smart.”

Regis: “You said C) cuckoo… And you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS!”

To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her,” Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”

Pam, “it was easy,” replies her (blond) friend. “Everybody knows that cuckoos live in clocks.”

There Were Two Blondes…

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

On the First Day…

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.

When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”

Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”

Blonde Golfers

Two blondes were starting a round of golf together. On the first tee, the first blonde smacked a beautiful drive down the center of the fairway. With a smile, she picked up the tee and walked to the cart.

The second blonde cranked another good drive down the center of the fairway. Pleased, she hopped in the cart.

When they arrived at the golf balls, they noticed that they were ten yards apart.

“That’s mine up there,” said the first blonde, pointing to the ball closer to the green.

“No way, I outdrove you easily,” said the second blonde. Before you know it, fists were flying.

After a brief scuffle, the second blonde stopped and said, “I know how we can solve this problem!”

“How?”

“We will get the clubhouse pro out here!”

Sure enough, they drove back to the clubhouse and got him and dragged him out to the fairway.

Studying the situation for a few minutes the pro finally said, “I know how to solve this!”

“How?”

“Yeah, how?”

Replied the pro, “Who is hitting the yellow ball?”

Baby Bra

There were three babys – a blond, a redhead, and a brunet. They were fighting over who’s mommy had the best bra.

The first baby says “My mom has a foam bra.”

The second says “My mom has gel straps.”

The blond baby says “Well, the tag on my moms bra says double D.”

The blond won the fight.

A Blonde was Playing…

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”

She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”

Row, Row, Row Your Boat

This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it any more she called out to the blonde in the field. “Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?”

The blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, “Because it is an ocean of wheat.”

The blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. “It is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name.”

The blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.

The blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde in the field yelling, “If I could swim, I would come out there and kick your tail!”

Phone Call

The phone call…

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!” and hung up.

Curious, the husband said, “Who was that?”

And his lovely wife replies, “I don’t have any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know “if the coast is clear.”

Sick Blonde

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”

“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”

“I couldn’t,” she replied, “there was no one there.”

Miracle

An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.
This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.

The blonde follows the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she’d indeed lost twenty pounds.

She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:

“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”

The Bus

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn’t find it, so she asked a police officer for directions –
“Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?”

The officer replied, “Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It’ll take you right there.” She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and,
sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, “Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?”

The blonde replied, “Don’t worry, officer, it won’t be long now…
The 45th bus just went by!”

History

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”

“That’s easy,” he replied. “You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.”

“What sort of question would you ask Doctor?”

“Well, you might ask them…”
“Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.
Which one?”

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh –
“You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you?”
“I must confess I don’t know much about history.”

Bus

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver: “Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says, “No, I’m sorry.”

Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
“Will it take ME?”

Pull

A blonde kept having the same weird dream everyday, so she went to her doctor.

Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what was the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always came to this door, but I couldn’t open it. I kept pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor: Did the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”

Quiz for Blonds

Name:_________

1. Finish this pattern: a,_,c,d,e,f (hint, B)

2. If you are standing, what are you doing? (hint, standing)

3. Finish the sentence: I am a blond______

4. Explain Einstein’s theory, or spell cat

5. Are you writing with a pen/pencil or a tissue? (hint pen/pencil)

6. Spell the word chicken

Head

A blonde girl was at school staring at a puzzle on her desk that she could not figure out. The teacher comes by and tells her, “You can solve it! Just use your head!” The teacher comes back to check on the blonde and she saw her head all bruised up. The teacher said, “What happened?!” Then the blonde says, “Well, you told me to use my head.”

Out for Coffee

A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.

Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.

She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.

“Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?” the blonde asked.

The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, “Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me.”

“Oh good!” the blonde sighed in relief.

“Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf.”

Mass Use of Brains

CNN gets news that 100 blonds are killed in a
train accident at Marylebone station. Only one blond
left alive.

The correspondent goes to her and asks, “Miss, how did it happen?”

Blond: “Oh don’t ask about it. All were right as long
as all were waiting on the platform for the train. Then came the announcement that ‘The bakerloo line will arrive on platform number 2’ so when everyone heard that the train is coming on the platform, everyone ran to the rails to save their lives, and the train arrived on the rails!!!”

Correspondent: “Thank god you thought well and didn’t go to the rails”

Blond: “Oh no, I was on the rails for committing
suicide and after the announcement I came to the
platform!”

Perv

There was this woman who had a blonde daughter. One day, she got her ball stuck in the tree.
“Mom, my ball’s stuck in the tree. Can I go get it?” she asked.
“No, the perverted boy will look up your skirt and see your underwear. Wait till daddy gets home.”
The little girl furiously stomped away.
About an hour later, before her husband came home, the woman saw her daughter playing with her ball.
“How did you get your ball?”
“Well, you said that you didn’t want the boy to see my underwear, so I took it off.”

Foodprint

An agitated patron calls on to the blond waiter and inquired why there was a footprint on his meal.
“Well,” the innocent-looking blond waiter replied. “You rushed in here, ordered an omelette and asked me to step on it.”

Misusing Pager

A blond was using a pager for the first time. When the operator instructed her to key in “10” to leave a voice message, she followed and after the beep, said, “Excuse me, may I speak to Zeron please?”