Horse Country

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, “Now, there’s the biggest horse’s ass I’ve ever seen.”

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. “She’s a horse’s ass too,” the man.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool.

“Damn it!” the man said, climbing back up to the bar. “This must be Bush country!”

“Nope,” the bartender replied. “Horse country!”

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Rough Times

A man was at a bar about to drink his drink. Then, a tough looking biker came and just drank the first man’s drink. The first man said “Why did you do that? I have been having a horrible day. First, I wake up, am late for work, and get fired. Then, I come home to find my wife cheating, I get kicked out of the house, and I get beat up by a bunch of thugs. Finally, I was about to end it all by drinking that cup of poison that you drank!”

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Greatest Hit

A man was sitting in a bar, nursing a beer and looking extremely dejected. The sympathetic bartender said, “Man, you look real down. Wanna talk about it? Sometimes it helps.”

“Well, I doubt it,” replied the man. “You see, I’m a composer who hasn’t had much luck. It seems the world is really against me. Recently I wrote the best song I’ve ever written, but I can’t get any music publishers interested, and I’ve been to them all.”

The bartender suggested, “Well let’s hear it. Try it out on the crowd.”

The man moves to the bar piano and proceeds to play a tune so incredibly melodious, so ethereal, that the bar turns dead quiet except for the music. Everyone is totally entranced. Goose bumps appear all over the audience and lumps rise in throats, as the music penetrates the very soul of all those present.

When he finishes playing, all is silent for a few minutes, then the bartender remarked, “I can’t believe you can’t get that published! That has to be the most beautiful piece of music I’ve ever heard. What’s it called, anyway?”

“I call it ‘I Love You So Much That I Just Know You’ll Cheat On Me, You Witch!'” the musician replied.

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A Very Depressed Man

There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

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You Looked Like My Wife

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for sometime at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

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Alcoholic Courage

A young man entered a bar, walked to the counter and told the barman,
“May I have a question, sir? I heard that a drink of beer will bring you the courage to do something terrible that you hate to do? Is that right, sir?”
“Yes, I guess so,” the barman answered with a smile.
“How much beer then?”
“It depends. Why don’t you try and find out?”
“OK, then give me a glass of beer please.”
Sitting in the corner, the young man kept asking for more beer. After the fifth glass, the barman looked at the man with a wink, “Well, how do you feel? Am I right?”
“Uh yes, I feel the courage growing in me, but not enough,” and then he ordered another drink.
Three more glasses and then the man stood up, saying to the barman with a very strong voice, “All right, thank you for the beer, sir. I’ll stop here. I think I’ll make it now!”
This time the barman could not overcome his curiosity. “Yes, I can tell that from your face,” he said, “but may I ask what is that thing that you hate to do so much, man?”
The young man said, “Just telling somebody that I have no money in my pocket, sir” he answered wryly.

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Cheap Beer

A man walks up to a bartender one night and asked for a beer.
“Certainly, sir. That’d be one cent.”
The guy was surprised at the incredible price.
The guy, unable to believe such prices, looked up the menu and ordered a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg.
“Certainly, sir. That’d be five cents including the beer.”
The guy couldn’t trust the bartender no more and called for the manager.
“The manager’s upstairs with my wife.”
The guy curiously asked why he was with his wife.
“He do my business, I’ll do his.”

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Bar fight

A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other.
“who hit me?”
“It wasn’t me.”
“I didn’t see too much either.”

“It must have been the dog”
“What dog?”
“I’m blind so I couldn’t see a dog.”

“Doh, that means I hit myself.”
“hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that.”

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Personal Question

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.

“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends how personal it is.”

“OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”

“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”

“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”

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Three Men in A Pub

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and a Newfie walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the foam. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Newfie too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling, “SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU THIEF!”

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MY DRINK!!!!

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink, so he puts a sign on it saying, “I spat in this beer, do not drink!” After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, “So did I!”

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Getting Older

Two old drunks in a bar. The first one says, “Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn’t bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. “By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I’m gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand” “So,” says the second drunk, “what’s your point?” “Well,” says the first, “I’m just wondering how much stronger I’m gonna get!”

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The Lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away, then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?” The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”

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Heaven

A preacher goes into a bar and says “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

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Hotel Clerk

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel. He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. “But sir,” said the clerk, “you have the best room in the hotel.” “I insist on another room!!!” said the drunk. “Very good, sir. I’ll change you from 502 to 525. Would you mind telling me why you don’t like 502?” asked the clerk. “Well, for one thing,” said the drunk, “it’s on fire.”

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Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender smiles and says “Hey, ya know we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper stops and says “Really? You have a drink called Steve?”

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Irish man

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. “Hey,” he says, “What’s with the steering wheel down your pants?” “Ach,” says the Irish man, “it’s drivin’ me nuts!”

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Kinky Costume

An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, “Going to a party?”
‘Yeah,’ the man answered, ‘I’m supposed to come dressed as my love life.’

‘But you look like Abe Lincoln.’ protested the barkeep.

‘That’s right. My last four scores were seven years ago.’

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Two Guys and a Genie

So, this guy, Bill is sitting in a bar and pulls out this tiny little piano and a little guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts playing the piano quite beautifully.

The fellow on the next bar stool, Joe, says ‘That’s amazing. Where did you get him?’

Bill answers ‘well, I got this magic lamp with a genie.’

So Joe asks ‘that’s great, could I use it?’ Bill says ‘sure ‘ and hands him the lamp. Joe rubs the lamp and out comes the genie. He continued, ‘I want a million bucks’. Suddenly the room is entirely filled with quacking ducks!

Joe exclaims ‘Hey! I asked for 1 million BUCKS! Not DUCKS!’ Bill explained.

‘Yes, the genie is a bit deaf. You don’t think I really asked for a twelve inch pianist do you?

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STDs are deadly!

Bill walked into his favorite dive bar, took his regular stool, looked around, and asked Louie, the bartender, “Where’s Beverly, the waitress?”

“She’s dead,” replied the bartender.

“Dead?” asked Bill.

“She died from herpes,” said the bartender.

Bill replied, “You don’t die from herpes.”

“You do if you give it to Big Louie!” said the bartender.

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So sad..

A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression. The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?”
The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.”

The bartender said, “That should make you happy.”

The man sadly shook his head and said, “Not when the month is up today!”

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Little Guy

There was a little guy in a bar drinking his beer, when all of a sudden a big guy comes and knocks him off his stool and says “that was a karate chop from Japan”

The little guy get’s back up on his stool again and start’s to drink his beer again, when all of a sudden the big guy knock’s him of his stool again, and says that was a karate kick from China,

So the little guy get’s back up and leave’s for a moment then come’s back in and goes up to the big guy hits him and knock’s him off of his stool out cold…. he then, tell’s the bartender “when he gets up to ask me, that was a crowbar from Sears”

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Beer Please

After Great Britain’s Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer.
The first sits down and says, “Hey, Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The second says, “I’d like the best beer in the world. Give me ‘The King of Beers.’ One Budweiser please.”

The bartender gives him one.

Another guy says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors.”

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Guiness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guiness?”

The Guiness president replies, “Well, if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither will I.”

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