Top 10 Funny Store Signs

1.Outside a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

2.Outside a hotel: “Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

3.On a desk in a reception room: “We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

4.In a veterinarian’s waiting room: “Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”

5.At the electric company: “We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t you will be.”

6.On the door of a computer store: “Out for a quick byte.”

7.In a restaurant window: “Don’t stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”

8.Inside a bowling alley: “Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop.”

9.In the front yard of a funeral home: “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.”

10.In a counselor’s office: “Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.”

Not A Suspect

We’ve just been notified by Security that there have been six suspected terrorists working out of your office.

Five of the six have been apprehended.

Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody. Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he’s Bin Workin will be very easy to spot. You are obviously not a suspect at this time

Billy Bob Wanted a Job…

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways. He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

A Young Ensign…

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was steaming out of the channel. The ensign’s efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, “My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules – make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.”

New Order

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.”

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

In Demand

Harry walks into his supervisor’s office. “Boss,” he says, “We’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, Harry,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says Harry, “I knew I could count on you!”

A Heartwarming Story…

This is truly a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This makes you want to believe in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, “I worked all last week with a crew building a house.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Home Depot ever bring us any drywall that’s worth a shit!”

Teachers

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said:

“Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I’m supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.

“You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, and fair play, how and where to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job. I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and, oh yeah, always make sure that I give the girls in my class 50 percent of my attention.

“My contract requires me to work on my own time after school and evenings grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Master’s degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training. I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.

“You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school. I am to make sure all students pass the state mandatory exams, even those who don’t come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

“All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, and a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!

“You want me to do all of this and you expect me NOT TO PRAY?”

Professionals Know Best

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, laid on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”

A Group of Managers…

A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. They got their ladders and tape measures and went out to the flagpole. However, the measurement job turned out to be much more difficult than any of them had expected, with some of them falling off the ladders, some dropping their tape measures and so on, and the whole thing had just turned into a big disaster.

After a while, an engineer happened to walk by and saw what the managers were attempting to do. She walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, and laid it flat on the ground. She measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and then walked away without saying a word.

After the engineer was out of sight, one manager turned to another and laughed as he shook his head. “Now that’s just like an engineer! We’re looking for the height and she gives us the length!”

Slogan Success

The head of a small industrial company posted a slogan all around the office and plant saying, “Do it now!” with the hope of getting better results from his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogan signs, he said, “It worked too well. The bookkeeper skipped with $20,000, the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I’ve ever had, three salesmen asked for raises, and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike.”

Accounting for Everything

New IRS auditor, eager to make a name for himself, decided to review the tax returns of the local synagogue. He assumed they were turning some unreported revenues somewhere, and was determined to find it.

He proceeded to interrogate the Rabbi, asking him what the Synagogue did with the wax drippings from the Shabbat, Havdallah and Chanukah candles.

The Rabbi, pleased to show the auditor that nothing went to waste, responded that the used wax is collected and sent to a candle factory and they send the temple new candles.

“What about the crumbs from the matzah you eat at Passover?” asked the IRS auditor.

“Simple,” the Rabbi responded. “We collect all the crumbs, send them to the matzah bakery and they send us matzah meal.”

All right, said the auditor, refusing to give up. I know that you’re a moyel as well as a Rabbi. What do you do with the leftovers from the circumcisions?”

“That’s easy too,” said the Rabbi. “We send them to Washington, DC and they send us back little pricks like you.”

Converting Units ….

For all you engineers (and other geniuses) who have difficulty converting units ….

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter? = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash? = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God? = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour? = Knotfurlong

7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone? = 1 Rod Serling

8. Half of a large intestine? = 1 semicolon

9. 1,000,000 aches? = 1 megahurtz

10. Basic unit of laryngitis? = 1 hoarsepower

11. Shortest distance between two jokes? = A straight line

12. 453.6 graham crackers? = 1 pound cake

13. 1 million-million microphones? = 1 megaphone

14. 2 million bicycles? = 2 megacycles

15. 365.25 days? = 1 unicycle

16. 2000 mockingbirds? = 2 kilomockingbirds

17. 52 cards? = 1 decacards

18. 1 kilogram of falling figs? = 1 Fig Newton

19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks? = 1 literhosen

20. 1 millionth of a fish? = 1 microfiche

21. 1 trillion pins? = 1 terrapin

22. 10 rations? = 1 decoration

23. 100 rations? = 1 C-ration

24. 2 monograms? = 1 diagram

25. 4 nickels? =1 paradigms

26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital? = 1 IV League

27. 100 Senators? = Not 1 decision

When Do I Start My Job?

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself – I’m not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn’t be able to answer the questions and he’d be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was, “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

Boudreaux says, “Dat’s easy” and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says, “What in the world is that?”

Boudreaux says, “Tree ‘n tree ‘n tree makes nine.”

“Fair enough” says the boss. “Second questions, same rules, but represent 99”.

Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree.

“Der ya go sir,” he says.

The boss scratches his head and asks, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”

Boudreaux answers, “Each tree is dirty now, so it’s dirty tree ‘n dirty tree ‘n dirty tree – dat 99.”

The boss is getting worried he’s going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, “All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100.”

Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, “I got it!” He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Der ya go sir – 100.”

The boss looks at Boudreaux’s attempt and thinks, “Ha! got him this time.” He then tells Boudreaux, “Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100.”

Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, “A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an’ a turd, dirty tree an’ a turd, and dirty tree an’ a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?”

Air Traffic Talk CAN Be Fun

Here is a short story to show you that the stodgy air traffic controllers and the flyers they serve can have a sense of humor:

The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, “Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, “Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!”

Interviewing Tips Not to Use!

Using the following list will most certainly keep your afternoons free and enable you to watch those cool Oprah and Sally shows.

When filling out the job application form, under the heading ‘Sex’, instead of writing male or female, write in, “Not nearly enough, but I’m trying!”

In the same form under the heading ‘Have you ever been convicted of a crime?’ answer, “Not yet.”

Show up late for the interview and try to rationalize it by saying, “My mom forgot to wake me again.” This is in especially bad taste if you happen to be in your forties or older.

When meeting the interviewer for the first time, shake his hand and say: “You look familiar. I’m sure I’ve seen you before somewhere. Weren’t you in the cell next to mine at Sing Sing?”

Tell the employer you will need a salary of at least $40k because the price of cocaine has gone up.

When asked why you left your last job, say: “Ah, well, my employer died under mysterious circumstances and like I told the police when they brought me in for questioning, I was home alone sleeping at the time.”

Ask the employer how close your office will be to the bathroom, explaining how you picked up a highly contagious worm while traveling abroad and now you just can’t seem to get rid of it.

Ask the employer what his thoughts are on recreational pot smoking in the employee’s lounge.

Tell the employer you won’t be able to start for five to ten years because you are going on a little vacation.

After the interview, call the employer at home at 3 a.m. and ask if he/she has made a decision yet on whom to hire.

The Brick Layer

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope to the ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident report form. I slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body. Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope this answers your inquiry.

Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say,”Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me.
She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any, “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.”

The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

When I started to the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, “Good morning boss, Happy Birthday,” and I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon, when Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

I said, “By George, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.”

We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.”

She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.” After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. All were singing “Happy Birthday” and there on the couch I sat, naked.

Look at the Check

A guy eats at a restaurant.
At the end of the meal, the guy looks at the check:
Salads . . . . . . $3
Steak . . . . . . $10
Works . . . . . . .$5
Cola . . . . . . . $2
———————–
Total $20
The customer asked the waiter “What’s ‘works’?”
“This time it didn’t work” said the waiter and crossed out that row.

10 Sentences Teachers Say

10 sentences teachers say (and their true meanings)

1. This book is very commonly used
(I also studied from it 40 years ago)

2. It’s important to understand what the material means in general
(I’m not good with details)

3. Some might say…
(My guess is…)

4. The answer to that question is not in the syllabus
(I don’t know the answer to your question)

5. We’ll discuss that question next week
(I don’t know the answer to your question)

6. I’ll let you search in the dictionary and find out
(I don’t know how to spell that word)

7. Some of you could have succeeded more in the test
(You all failed)

8. Are there any questions about the material we learned last lesson?
(Did any of you review the material as I asked?)

9. Today we’ll split up into small studying groups
(I don’t feel like teaching today so keep yourselves busy)

10. The homework is due on Monday
(Ruining your weekend is the only fun I have left in teaching)

Must See Annual Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

Speaking With The General

It was a dark, stormy, night. The marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A general stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, good evening, sir!”

The general, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, “Good evening, soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”

Well, it wasn’t a nice night, but the private wasn’t going to disagree with the general, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, yes sir!”

The general continued, “You know, there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”

The private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, yes sir!”

The general, pointing at the dog, “This is a golden retriever, the best type of dog to train.”

The private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, yes sir!”

The general continued, “I got this dog for my wife.”

The private simply said, “Good trade, Sir!”

FIRE!!!

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames.

The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,”All of our
secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could
bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company of Danielson, composed entirely of men over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president joyfully accounced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.

The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, “What are you going to do with all that money”?

“Well,” said Mo, the 70-year-old fire chief, The first thing we are going to do is fix the brakes on that f*cking truck”!

Fighting The Competition

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop – it read… MAIN ENTRANCE.