Honey, is the Dog Home?

A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn’t lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.

After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.

Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn’t. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, “Honey, is the dog home?” His wife responded, “Yes, why?” The man said, “Put him on the phone – I need directions.”

Moose Hunting

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool-proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot it. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, “Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, “The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?”

The guy in the front said, “Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass, but you’d better brace yourself.”

LION TAMER

A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner told them, “I’m not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?”

The girl said, “I’ll go first.” She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion’s cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s mouth was on the floor. He said, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turned to the young man and asked, “Can you top that?”

The young man replied, “No problem, just get that lion out of the way.”

What Is A Cat And A Dog?

What is a cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They’re moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a dog?

1. Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They are great at begging.
8. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.
9. They leave their toys everywhere.
10. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

Conclusion: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.

Tommy Tomcat

Tired of having to stare at the luscious young kitten on the other side of the chain link fence, bold Tommy Tomcat decided to visit her one day. Settling back on his haunches, he gave a mighty leap and landed on the other side; impressed, the lovely cat sauntered over.

“That was quite a leap,” she remarked. “Want to go somewhere and cuddle?”

“Afraid not,” said Tommy, a pained expressions on his face. “The fence was higher than I thought.”

Two Angry Neighbors

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill’s house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the 18-wheeler.

‘My new pet elephant,’ Bill replies solemnly.

A Man was Driving…

A man was driving up the interstate late one night when he was amazed to see a weird creature overtake him at a great speed. He accelerated in an attempt to catch up with it, but the creature was far too quick for him and he dimly saw it run off the highway on an exit. The driver followed, only to see it jump over a hedge and disappear into some woods. Nearby stood a farmhouse; the driver stopped his car, walked up to the door and knocked.

The driver apologized to the farmer for bothering him and asked him about the creature. “Oh yes,” said the farmer, “that’s one of my specially bred three-legged chickens. I bred them so that when we have roast chicken for dinner, my wife, my son and myself can have a chicken leg each.”

“Really?” asked the man. “That’s amazing! How do they taste?”

“I don’t know,” replied the farmer. “I haven’t been able to catch one yet.”

The Pessimist

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.

The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, “Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?”

“I sure did,” responded his friend. “He can’t swim.”

Soap and Water

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners. When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. “Were these dishes ever washed?” he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, “They’re as clean as Soap and Water could get them.”

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. The meal was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and called, “Here Soap! Here Water!”

Fur Me

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. “This year,” she says, “I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me.” The daughter protests, “But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this.”

“Don’t worry honey,” says the mother, “your father won’t get the bill for a couple of weeks.”

Big Bad Dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying; DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”

“Yep, that’s him,” he replied.

The stranger couldn’t help but be amused.

“That certainly doesn’t look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?”

“Because,” the owner replied, “before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”

According to The…

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.

We should’ve known. Only women, while pregnant, would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

The Cat Who Could

One day a cat comes walking by meowing, “I can’t do anything right.” So he keeps on pouting and somebody comes up to him and says, “Why are you crying?” “Because I can’t do anything right.” So the guy helps the cat and a day later the cat could do anything right so he goes to the litter box and misses the box by an inch.

A Guy Walks Into a Pet Shop…

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a German shepperd. The shopkeeper, replies that it will cost him $500. The man thinks for a minute, then asks how much a beware of dog sign costs. The shopkeeper calmly replies that it costs a whopping $1.98. The man thinks for a while longer, and asks for a beware of dog sign.

Tough Customer

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.

“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said. “I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had so long!”

“Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!” the manager asked.

“That’s the one!”

“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”

“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”

Zack and His Mule…

Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack’s friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.

“I’m worried about your mule,” said the driver, “his tongue’s hanging out.”

“Which way?” asked Zack.

“Left,” his friend said.

“Well, stay in this lane – he’s about to pass.” shouted Zack.

In And Out of Puddles

Five toads arrived at the Heaven’s Gates. The man in charge asked for each toad’s name and what they had been doing.

The first gave his name and said he had been going in and out of puddles. The man let him through the gate.

He interrogated the next three toads and all three too said they had been going in and out of puddles. Since there was nothing wrong, the man let them all in.

Then he reached the last toad. She was a pretty one, in toad’s sense, and when asked what her name was, she replied, “Puddles.”

The Hat Seller

A man selling hats went to a jungle for a rest. A monkey came and stole a hat. The man couldn’t catch the monkey. He realized the monkey followed the man’s actions. He threw the hat to the ground. The monkey threw the hat to the ground. He picked up both hats and went away.

The man then had a grandson who followed the family business and sold hats. The grandson went to a jungle to rest while selling hats. A monkey came and stole a hat. The grandson thought of his grandfather’s story, and threw the hat on the floor. The monkey ran and picked up the hat. It then slapped the grandson, saying, “You think you’re the only one having a grandfather?”

Kicking

A young boy comes down to breakfast one morning. His mother asks, “Have you done your chores yet?”
“No,” replies the boy, “but could I have breakfast first?”

“You know the rules, go outside and clean the chicken coop, milk the cow and feed the pigs.”

The boy goes down to the chicken coop and lazily cleans it. When he is finished he kicks a chicken. Next, he walks to the barn and takes out the old milking cow. After milking her thoroughly, he kicks her. Then the boy gets the food and feeds the pigs. Once he is done he kicks a pig.

Finally, the boy runs back to his house, very hungry. His mother gives him a plate with nothing on it but an apple. Disappointed, the boy says, “Where’s my eggs, my milk and my sausage?”

“Well,” says his mother, “I saw you kick a chicken, so now you don’t get eggs. I saw you kick the cow, so now you don’t get milk. I saw you kick the pig, so now you don’t get any sausage.”

Just then, the boy’s father walks in and kicks the cat. The boy says to his mother, “Should I tell him now, or do you want to?”

Walking the Dog

This young girl about 7 year old had a dog which she took for a walk everyday after school.

Well, one day her dog was in heat, so her father told her that she couldn’t walk the dog for a week or so because it wasn’t feeling well.

His daughter became very upset and cried for most of the night.

The next day the father came up with a plan. He put some gasoline on the dogs rear end to hide the smell from the male dogs.

Well when the girl got home she was happy to find that she could now walk her dog again.

About an hour later, the girl returned without the dog.

The father asked, “What on earth has happened to the dog?”

The girl replies, “Well she ran out of gas a few blocks back, and is being pushed home by another dog.”

A Pig Story

Bill Clinton’s limo is driving along a back country road on the way back to Washington from Camp David, when all of a sudden a pig jumps out in front of the limo. Bill, upset, tells the chauffeur to drive to the nearest farm house so he can pay for the damages and apologize.

They arrive at the farm house up the road, and Clinton tells the driver to go inside and tell the farmer and his wife what happened.

2 hours later, the driver emerges from the door with his clothes in disarray, a brown paper bag, and a huge smile across his face.

Bill wants to know what happened. The driver tells him, “I went inside, they made me a nice steak, then the parents introduced meto their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant, they left us alone to have sex for an hour, and when I was finished, I came downstairs and the mother had thisbag of cookies for me.”

Bill says, “What did you tell them?”

The driver replies, “I told them I was Bill Clinton’s driver, and that I just killed the pig.”