I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.
I live in my own little world. But it’s OK. They know me here.
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
I don’t do drugs.
I get the same effect just standing up fast.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it.
So I said “Implants?”
She hit me.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Some people say that I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.
Q: Do you know why doctors slap babies on the butt after they are born?
A: It knocks the penises off of the dumb ones.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch. One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get frisky?”
The other replies, “Oh, sure I do.”
The first woman asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
Ole said, “No, I’m Norvegian…and my name isn’t Valter.”
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars inquired how she was doing with it.
“Oh,” said Ole, “I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.”
“How come?” asked Lars
“Vell,” Ole answered, “because vith a clarinet she can’t sing.”
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along bananas for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark tunnel.
“Have you eaten your banana yet?” Ole asked excitedly
“No,” replied Lars.
“Vell, don’t touch it den,” Ole exclaimed. “I yust took vun bite and vent blind!”
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, “You just put ‘Ole died.’ ”
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, “That’s it? Just ‘Ole died?’ Surely, there must be something more you’d like to say about Ole. If it’s money you’re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.”
So Lena pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, “O.K. You put ‘Ole died. Boat for sale.’ “
Ole and Lena got married. On their honeymoon trip they were nearing Minneapolis when Ole put his hand and on Lena’s knee.
Giggling, Lena said, “Ole, you can go a little farther now if ya vant to.”
So Ole drove to Duluth.
What is black and white and red all over?
An embarrassed zebra
A man had a very smart dog. He tried selling it for around $45, but everybody thought it was too expensive. The man couldn’t lower the price because part of the deal was to buy it a new name tag, 5 lbs. of food, and a new toy.
After long thought he decided to get rid of the dog. He drove 20 miles out of town and dropped the dog off. When he arrived home, the dog was on the porch. He was baffled by this, so he went out of town 80 miles the next day and dropped his dog off in the woods. He went home only to find his dog on the porch.
Next day he was mad, so he drove 170 miles out of town taking the most complicated way possible and dropped his dog off. He started driving around trying to find his way home, but he couldn’t. He called his wife on his cell phone and asked, “Honey, is the dog home?” His wife responded, “Yes, why?” The man said, “Put him on the phone – I need directions.”
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled, “Vell, dere gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!”
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena, who had charged non-support. He said to Ole, “I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support.” “Vell, dat’s fine, Judge,” said Ole. “And vunce in a while I’ll try to chip in a few bucks, myself.”
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, “How long does it take to fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?” “Just a minute,” said the busy clerk. “Vell, said Lena, “if it has to go dat fast, I tink I’ll just take da bus.”
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. “Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe.?
“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe.?
“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez.”
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!
A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, “Is this a union house?” “No,” she replied, “I’m sorry, it isn’t.”
“Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” “The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00.”
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized, shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, “Why, yes sir, this IS a Union House.”
The man asked, “And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?” “The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.” That’s more like it!” the UAW man said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. “I’d like her for the night.” “I’m sure you would, sir,” said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”
A man wanted a big, ferocious dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel that specialized in attack dogs. The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.
After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog. He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage. “He looks like he’d be a pretty good attack dog,” said the buyer. “Well, he’s not bad,” replied the owner, “but I have something
better in mind for you.”
They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an even larger, meaner dog than the first. He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage. “Ah,” said the buyer, “This must be the dog you were referring to
earlier.” “Well, no.” said the owner. “I have something better in mind for you.”
The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt. He did not seem to notice as the men approached. “This is the dog I had in mind for you,” said the owner.
The buyer was flabbergasted. “You’re joking!” he exclaimed. “This dog seems quite tame; he doesn’t act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he’s just lying there, licking his butt!”
“I know, I know,” said the owner. “But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he’s trying to get the taste out of his mouth.”
“I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.” – Jack Benny
“When I was born I was so surprised that I didn’t talk for a year and a half.” – Gracie Allen
“I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has-been was once an are.” – Milton Berle
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” – George Burns
“You’re never too old to become younger.” – Mae West
“I hate the theatre. I also hate the sight of blood, but it’s in my veins.” – Charlie Chaplin
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball
“I don’t feel old – I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.” – Bob Hope
“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.” – W.C. Fields
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.” – Henny Youngman