If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A backward poet writes inverse.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What’s the definition of a will?
(It’s a dead giveaway).
A bicycle can’t stand alone because it is two tired.
There are only eleven times in history where the “F” word has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. “What the fuck do you mean we are sinking?”
Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. “What the fuck was that?”
Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
9. “Where did all those fucking Indians come from?”
8 “Any fucking idiot could understand that.”
7. “It does so fucking look like her!”
6. “How the fuck did you work that out?”
Pythagoras, 126 BC
5. “You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?”
4. “Where the fuck are we?”
Amelia Earhart, 1937
3. “Scattered fucking showers, my ass!”
Noah, 4314 BC
2. “Aw c’mon. Who the fuck is going to find out?”
Bill Clinton, 1999
and a drum roll…………!!!!
1. “Geez, I didn’t think they’d get this fucking mad.”
Sadaam Hussein, 2003
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It’s called “Ministers Do More Than Lay People.”
15 PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR DAUGHTERS:
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man – unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon – they should be able to put them all up there
4. Never let your man’s mind wander – it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same – they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, “Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”
Having already had a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says, ‘Listen! I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it.”
Eyes now wide with interest he says, “No kidding, I’m a lawyer too! What firm are you with?”
Crick: The sound that a Japanese camera makes.
Dockyard: A physician’s garden.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis: What you need to start the car in Boston.
Oboe: An English tramp.
Pasteurize: Too far to see.
Propaganda: A gentlemanly goose.
Toboggan: Why we go to an auction
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it’s a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don’t like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
A pessimist’s blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating – always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn…that was fun!”??
A couple of weeks ago the clouds over western Washington were moving to the west. Normally they head east, inland over the mountains to central Washington and beyond.
Scientists blamed the switch on mad cloud disease.
Life is full of uncertainties…or could I be wrong about that?
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.
Today is International Day of The Very Good Looking, Beautiful and Damn Attractive People, so send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received over one thousand messages and my inbox is jammed full.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been!”
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?